Addressing the Challenges of Tension and Anxiety

Trending Upward to Achieve

Tue, 21 Jan 2025 02:35:53 GMT

Trending Upward to Achieve: How to Make Your Personal Promises Stick

Human beings are notorious for many things, one of which is creating a trend to not meet our goals. This trend (which I suggest you do not partake) is annually marked by the second Friday of January. Hailed as Quitters Day, this proclamation recognizes the tendency to start something new, as in New Year’s resolutions, only to lose our passion (for said resolution) within approximately two weeks.

Whether you subscribe to the notion of making yourself annual promises such as This year I will decrease my screen time, or I will eat better, there is a chance that you will abandon your well-meaning journey. Why? Because your brain likes brand-new shiny things and then loses interest when it is time to maintain them.

Don’t want to join the quitters club? Here are some straight-to-the-point tips to help you keep your promises – to yourself.

Set achievable goals:

It is hard to manage anything when things are unmanageable. You can achieve anything if you can manage it. So, set your self up for success at the start. Want to do something more? Set short-term goals that lead to your long-term goals.

Define your plan:

Understand the difference between goals and objectives. Goals are overarching. Objectives are measurable steps. Objectives look like this: I will do any form of exercise for 10 minutes per day for the next seven days.

Goal: I will exercise more.

When you master your objectives, you can create new ones to bring yourself closer to your (overall) goals.

Be realistic:

Realism is motivating. If you think there is something you cannot do, think about all of the things you have done. Do you realize how much you have accomplished in your life? Realistically, you have spent your life learning lessons unknown to you before – and you mastered the skill. Facts: You have learned to respond when addressed, eat with a utensil, usand e technology (from a simple can opener to cars with computerized motherboards). Think about these personal truths, and then do what you want to do.

Do what you want – not what you really want:

You have decided there is something you want to achieve. Do that. Do not do what you really (subconsciously) want, which is to be comfortable and in the zone you know best. Do what you decidedly want so you can feel what you want to feel.

Allow space:

Every moment is not productive. We need to take time to restore, build and become rooted in our new decisions and actions. Do not use this as an excuse to procrastinate. Do follow the steps above and add some space to your plan to insure that you continue to grow. (Think: plants need dormant periods of time to grow. Children need naps. You get the idea.)

Say thank you:

Everyone likes to feel appreciated. Review the manageability of your goals, plans, and objectives and find the feel-good within it. Think about your actions and the results they create. Remember that you have, in many cases, opportunities to decide for yourself to make your life better. And then, stop and say thank you to yourself for caring enough to make life as you intend it to be.

This year is yours.

You 2.0

Tue, 17 Sep 2024 02:23:10 GMT

You 2.0 – How to Live Your Best Life – and Continue to do so

Human history is marked with social messages that include statements that define where we are as a society. Now, in a time that is fixed on ideals such as “Live your best life,” this and similar affirmations put forward that you “are enough.” Yet somehow, these proclamations also indicate that” we must keep up, improve, and rise beyond the mark. These messages, although intended to motivate, can also be stressful as they request that you make statements dictating how you see your life – how you see yourself. Social media, the very media that calls its scrollers like a siren in the night, is saturated with videos and stories of people who speak of working to “Embrace the journey” with others showing you methods to “Live. Your. Life” and “Do you”. In and of themselves, these pronouncements wonderfully encourage inspiration and the quest for personal and/or professional improvement. Yet, after the excitement of that video or audio has faded, how do you keep it up? How do you move yourself from where you have been to that new, improved life?

Not to kick the popular command Live.Your.Life. in the shin but, factually, you are living your life. You are living your life in real time, as it really exists, with positive and negative external pressures and internal concerns. To accurately and more successfully establish a path to bettering your life, it is extremely helpful to decide what will work for you. If you thoughtfully and deliberately decide that you will improve your circumstances, you should lean into the scientific insights of neurolinguistics. This interdisciplinary study explains the relationship between the brain and language. As I explain in my book, One Eighty: A Counterintuitive Method for Long-lasting Personal and Professional Change, one of the functions of the brain is to interpret what we experience. Therefore, when creating or hearing language, we interpret that information as we understand it – within our own framework. That means if you want to alter something in your life, you need to adjust it and speak about it in a way that you can understand. If you want a simpler life but continuously create or enter into complex situations, your actions and thoughts are counterintuitive to what you say you want. If you spend significant amounts of time seeking out and speaking about problems, that is exactly how life will become- you will feel that problems abound and are inescapable. This is not to suggest that the power of positive professions works alone. It does suggest that as you create and act upon experiences that are in line with what you desire, life will feel much better, as you will be synchronized with the feelings you want to experience. Those good feelings stimulate brain chemistry that drives you to do things that increase more good feelings.

Over the course of my work as a business consultant and psychotherapist, many people have told me that after making life changes, they are (Insert Name) 2.0.. (i.e.: Jake 2.0). This declaration provides a focused recognition that there had been a prior version of oneself, and now there is a newer, improved version. The trick to long-lasting change is to use what you have to arrive somewhere better. If you want to move from where you reside, you don’t throw everything out. Even if you get rid of most of your belongings, you keep the items that matter to you (or will make life work) until you have the resources to replace them. Therefore, if you want to change, look at your strengths. Conduct a personal inventory. If you are good at something you can adapt it to effectively work with something else. For instance, you may be great at organizing things in your home but not good at money management. You may be intimidated by financial matters. Maybe you do not know enough about the topic to feel like you can make any real progress. Think about this: the management of anything takes organizational skills. Whether you have a lot of money or very little, thinking about what responsibilities, income, and other assets you have is concrete information. It is as concrete as the items in your house. Therefore, you can decide to think a thought like, “I organized every closet and that worked. Let me look into my financial closet and straighten that out.” The thought of your organized closets will bring pictures into your mind that are accompanied by a sense of accomplishment and good feelings. Maybe you used new containers for your closet. Liken that to a new container for your money – like a bank account or fund (or whatever works for you). This simple and easy approach helps you to decrease stress as you apply one relatable skill (or talent) to a new place. The decrease of stress (which is often backed up by thoughts and statements such as “I can’t do this.” “I don’t know what I am doing.” etc.) removes the obstacles that stand in the way or your progress. The more you add these comfortable methods to your daily routines, the more those areas of your life will change.

Take the time out to do this so that you can Live.Your.Life. as you have defined it. This way, you can factually live your best life and be the best version of you - (Insert your name) 2.0.

Listen to Understand, Not Just React. It Makes a Difference.

183:830819963 (Allyson Maida) — Wed, 27 Mar 2024 02:27:37 GMT

Listen to Understand, Not Just React. It makes a Difference.

Yes, I heard you.

How many times have you either made that comment or had someone say that to you? When stopping to think about it, it is considerably interesting that we need to check in with people when speaking with them or being spoken to. If there were confidence that our words were being heard, we would not have to ask that question.

In a world that is moving quickly, with social media and technology that accelerates time and delivery, our ability to maintain focus is challenged. (Perhaps this is why so many people think they have ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. But that’s a different discussion for a different day.) Even with schedules that allow for downtime, people seem busier than ever, as they profess to have evolved from living to work to working to live. Oh, and then there are the emotions and physiological responses that partner with life lived in the fast lane.

These circumstances do not only impede our ability to focus outwardly, but they also affect how we listen. It is as if we need to listen faster. Although we cannot increase the natural speed of the vibration of sound, we seem to think we can increase the rate at which we listen. Hearing is a function of the ears but listening – that is evidence of a magnificent relationship between the ears and the brain. “Listening can be thought of as applying meaning to sound: allowing the brain to organize, establish vocabulary, develop receptive and expressive language, and learn, internalize and indeed…listening is where hearing meets the brain.” ( Beck, Flexer, 2011 )

Whether you are in a circumstance that requires you to think quickly or not, as a survival mechanism, your brain is concerned with both the information that is taken in and what is coming up next. Your mind is literally thinking ahead to the point where it begins to create reactions that may or may not be warranted.

And this is where we often get ourselves into trouble.

Whether it’s a personal matter, business, political, social justice, or wanting to get through an online retail transaction, people often find themselves strategizing to pounce on a conversation. We are listening for key terms and material that will substantiate our position – or our passion – or our point of frustration. When listening to react, even if you’re doing it unknowingly, you are filtering information that you hear through your own interpretation and then using that material to support your own concepts. You are listening while crafting a Oh, well, how about this come-back.

Yet, if we shift our listening to aid in understanding the content being delivered, we increase the chances of finding greater satisfaction. We decrease the conflict and increase the progress. Listening to understand is the mark of a good listener. Someone who can move their agenda and their content out of the way to give room for someone else’s. A good listener understands that there may be information outside of their own that may help to build insight, leading to outcomes that are most desirable.

So, the next time you are involved with a conversation, think about this: You may be hearing what’s happening and can repeat it, but ask yourself if you are listening to understand to find benefit and resolution or are simply listening to react. Understanding and applying this thought can engage even the most passionate presenters and create a paradigm shift in your overall conversation. I promise you, listening to understand is a game-changer.

Source: https://hearingreview.com/?s=listening+is+where+hearing+meets+brain

It's Time. Bring Your Life to the Place you Desire

Wed, 24 Jan 2024 01:41:51 GMT

It’s Time. It's Your Life. Get to Where You Want to Go

People tend to repeat the things they think and say more than they realize, such as, It’s time. Have you ever said that? Everybody has thoughts, that they often revisit. Sometimes, we hit these tasks and goals head-on, and at other times, we think, Eh, I can put that off . or I can do a bit here and there . No matter the approach, many times as we think about where we are with that idea, we find ourselves in a familiar place. Let’s say that place is called The Land of It Didn’t Happen . There are reasons this place exists. And yes, more people are card-carrying frequent flyers than you might imagine.

For some people, it is simply procrastination. They think about something, possibly get ready, make a move, and then… Well, can I do that later. For others, they are overloaded and prioritize to the point where the task is pushed down on their to-do list, which can go on for any length of time, including many years. Other people are intimidated or fearful of the process in front of them, especially if they are charting new territory. This means that they must spend energy and resources to learn and apply something new to meet their goal, so instead, they decide to wait or approach it in tiny bites.

To answer the question How do I get out of the Land of It Didn't Happen? We need to understand this place and why we are basically here.

There is no one-size-fits-all. However, there remain commonalities among the people in this designated limbo land. Everyone wants something to happen. They are also a member of a that validates needless worry as the task will eventually get done. There is another common bond; everyone has a brain. Therefore, they have thoughts, feelings, and reactions. So, if you are in an environment that says shrug it off, and you can relate to that idea, there is a great possibility you will stay in flux and not move on your desires too quickly. There is a great biblical scripture that says bad company corrupts good character, which makes sense here. If you surround yourself with people who are unmotivated, it affects you. If you are with highly motivated people, that affects you as well.

Unseen pressures: Like it or not, peer pressure is almost everywhere and becomes a measuring rod for self-esteem. Peer pressure in this context is not necessarily people verbally pushing you; it is the unspoken competitive characteristics that are innate to most people. We assess what is around us and figure out how to become a part of the situation. If there are attributes that we find somewhat comfortable, we may look to settle in – even if only for a while. If it is a place that is too foreign or uncomfortable, we will find ways to move on and move out. This is why the Land of It Didn’t Happen is very populated, but it also has a steady flow of people who come and go.

To get out of there, you need to defy the cultural norm. That means you have to do something different. Really different.

Take a Step Back:

Take a step back so you can see your idea clearly. If your face is too close to anything, it can see, and your mind cannot interpret what you are trying to look at. Give yourself enough distance so your idea is clear, and you see both the grand scheme and known details.

Assess and Strategize:

Now that you have a clear view of what is in front of you, ask yourself if it is manageable. If it is not manageable for you, then the concept may be overly complex in its current form (leading you to the pace you are in). It is like being told to clean your room or office when everything is in disarray. You may sit there (or move a few things around) for hours, days, or months and veritably get nothing done because you do not know where to start. Therefore, to accomplish the goal, make it manageable. So, in the case of the room, choose one area or category of item and figure out what to do with that. Then, when done, move to the next manageable task. This strategy works for all types of people as it simplifies the circumstances and puts you on the path to your goals. The more you use this method, the more you will get done, the better you will feel and the closer you will become to where you want to be.

Be self-accepting: In the process, do not beat yourself up. Do not judge yourself harshly. Because if you do, you are staying on this allotment of land. Why? Because you have re-joined the It Didn’t Happen Choir. So, turn your back on those messages, and know that almost everyone has been here at some point in their life. Then, reconcile with yourself and your situation. You are where you are. That is the truth. You are here. Good enough. Now you know what you have and where you are starting from.

Re-ignite your excitement: I know this sounds like an online dating comment, but it is a sound sub-strategy. Revisit the thoughts that lead you to your idea(s) to begin with. Was your idea a solution to a problem? Was your idea a way to make a life change that was only one a dream? Nevertheless, think about how you felt when you were creating the idea. Think about that eureka moment or that small, still feeling of satisfaction. This revisitation will help to revive that excitement. (Hint: The more you revisit that time and circumstances, the stronger and more pervasive those feelings become.)

Arrange for a successful journey: To make a move, you have to organize your thoughts (metaphorically: your things) and arrange them in a way so that you have step-by-step activities that lead to your goal. It is like packing a suitcase or boxes of items to move. The more organized you are, the easier it is to travel, enjoy your trip, and do whatever it is that you have headed out to do. Having already aligned things to become more manageable assists you in this step. Now you know what you need to lead you to your wishes. In other words, you wouldn’t pack a blender in your suitcase if you were planning to go see New Zealand’s Northern Lights.

Land the plane: You are on your way and approaching your destination. This is the scary (or intimidating) part. Do you keep circling, or do you drop your landing gear, line up with the runway and begin your descent? Although most people say they would land the plane, the truth is many people continue to circle because once they land and disembark, they must face whatever is on the ground. Even though planning and preparing for the trip became exciting, the reality of upcoming experiences can be daunting. But remember, you have clarity, know what you have, where you were, where you are, and how you want to feel.

So now, you are here. You are no longer in the Land of It Didn’t Happen. That is behind you. Now you are in the World of You Made it Happen. You have arrived.

The Best Way to Manage Change

Thu, 05 Oct 2023 00:17:52 GMT

How to Feel Better When Things Change

Photo Credit: Farmers Almanac

Change is the only thing that remains the same.

I love that adage. It is straight to the point yet complex. This statement indicates that everything in life changes – except for change itself. This concept challenges the considerations, that even in places that promise stability and constancy, there is change. As daunting as this may seem, it is exciting. This is a call to respond to a challenge that can cause us to grow and to rise to a new level – possibly far beyond where we have imagined.

Answering challenges requires assessment, strategy, and execution. If we believe that a wide variety of circumstances do not change, it is a setup for us to seek emotional safety in outside situations and people, as they would (theoretically) provide solid footing. However, we would be wise to take the opportunity and warning in this statement of old. We should shift our focus to find the same steadiness in ourselves. Because if there is change, and we are not prepared for it, we may be thrown out of balance and perhaps even find ourselves lost – as the promise of stability has evaporated.

This preparation is solely based upon our expectations. If we expect that our position in life depends upon the action of others and exterior situations, we are not figuring in that life is full of surprises, some of which are positive and others that are not. To avoid the pitfalls of these changes (which are often a surprise) we are best served with understanding that we are the controlling force in our life – maybe not thoroughly – but to some degree. Bearing in mind that we are often derailed or built up by fluctuations beyond our control, how can you create a life that has a strong central core – one that you can depend upon, especially when life changes come?

Cutting to the chase, the answer is: leaning into the power of change. Take a look at what you believe and alter your expectation. I am not saying that you should live in fear, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Or walking on eggshells while waiting for upset. I am saying that if you leave a margin for error in life (or in the behavior of other people) you will be able to look internally to figure out how you prefer to take your next steps in life. When you have expectations that allow for changes, you automatically set yourself up for flexibility. Flexibility is strewn with strength, resiliency, compromise, and determination. If those are attributes that you would like to embody, then consider that change is the only thing that remains the same.

How to Fall, Feel and Return to Love

Mon, 13 Feb 2023 18:46:13 GMT

How to Fall, Feel and Reignite Love

Artist's Credit: Raphael

Most people love to be in love. That wow feeling of thrill, being deeply drawn and connected to another person - there is nothing like it. Talking on the phone for hours, repeatedly thinking about that person, the anticipation of your next encounter…somehow, it seems as if there are less negatives in life. It is as if the sun is shining, birds are chirping and there is a huge rainbow of love arched over you - no matter where you go.

Yet, there are questions: What is this love magic? Or is it magic? And magic or not, is there a way to keep that feeling going after it begins to fade? How do we actually fall in love or feel love? And can you re-up love?

Interestingly, there are answers to all of these questions. First, let’s understand what love really is. Yes, it is an emotion attached to a series of other feel-good emotions, but there is more. (Sound like an infomercial). When talking about love many people say, “We have such great chemistry.” That is more true than we realize. Love is all about chemistry!

Like it or not, the chemical reactions of love are similar to those of cocaine use. (Yes, you read that right.) Simply, we have a pleasure center in our brain. When we experience anything that makes us feel good, the neurotransmitter (a chemical delivery system) dopamine is produced and released into one or both regions; (the prefrontal cortex and/or the nucleus accumbens) within our brain. When released (into the nucleus accumbens) we experience recall (i.e.: I remember that really great feeling ) and an increased desire for more dopamine. Just like an addiction, the more you get the more you want. This process in the brain is so powerful that it doesn’t even need to experience the person directly. When you imagine that person in your mind, your brain recalls the emotions that you have attached to them. In turn, dopamine will be produced and released and the cycle continues. This strengthens the attachment and desire connections in your brain and the next thing you know…you are in deep. Deep love.

Want to re-up those loving feelings? The answers are in the chemistry. If you want to feel the love you once felt for someone, you need to revisit it. All too often, daily life and circumstances add layers on top of our initial feelings to the point where we may no longer sense them regularly. As long as the relationship is desirable (and hopefully healthy), bring those thoughts back into place. Revisit your positive, enjoyable interactions with that person. Recall why you liked them to begin with. When you do that you will have sense a rise of emotions. Even if this emotional reaction is minor, it is a nod that you are on the path of appreciation and love. Not unlike what we do when wanting to feel good about anything, we recall positive stories/memories. It is like listening to music that makes you feel better. That is not magic – that is your brain providing recall, response and increased desire.

Don’t allow this (technical) information to wreck your love magic. Think of it like this: Having the intel about how love works chemically gives you control – you can use this to reignite relationships and heal broken hearts.

Suddenly, it seems that Cupid’s arrows are spiked with a bit of brain altering chemistry. Sneaky Cupid.

New Year's Resolutions. Keep Your Promises – They are made by you for you

Fri, 30 Dec 2022 17:42:29 GMT

New Year Resolutions. Keep Your Promises – They are made by you for you

Well, here we are again. It’s Resolution time! On the crest of closing another year to begin anew, we assess our past and solemnly swear to make changes. We think of prior New Year resolutions and often laugh, defensively in part, as we admit that life is strewn with unkept promises. Here is an idea, how about the first resolution you make this year is to change that very thing? No more promises that you can’t keep.

(That is a great way to begin the year; less stress, good challenges and doing things that you CAN do.)

To ensure oath making success, make your promises manageable.

For fun, let’s take a look at 2023's top resolutions as cited by Statistica Research Department

2023 New Year’s Resolutions/Share of Respondents

To exercise more 52%

To eat healthier 50%

To lose weight 40%

To save more money 39%

To spend more time with family/friends 37%

To spend less time on social media 20%

To reduce stress on the job 19%

To reduce spendings on living expenses (e.g., food, energy) 19%

To improve my performance on the job 18%

To quit smoking 17%

To cut down on alcohol 14%

To do more for the environment 14%

To become vegetarian/vegan 10%

Other 4%

Don’t know 3%

Source: Statistica.com

None of these resolutions are beyond reach. Yet, by February most people have abandoned these personal promises, as they have slowly shifted back into their general practices. Why? The shiny new thing effect has worn thin, and we are ready for what feels normal – more comfortable – more of what we know. Because that is what our brains tend to do. Our brains really like these new ideas (and the feel-good chemicals that that come along with feeling new beginning (which are exciting and full of promise). This is why we have the gumption to commit to our resolutions. However, when the excitement is gone, and the goals require additional effort, we let our guard down by feeling fed up. So, it is goodbye. Time to abandon ship. I will visit you in the future my dear well-meaning promise. WAIT, hit the brakes – you can do this. Let’s refresh, reposition your reasoning and assist you to adhere to those good ideas…your resolutions.

First, a quick comment about New Year’s Resolutions. With the understanding that last year is over, the 356.42 day long book is closed, and the new episode of our life series begins on January 1. The other thing we know is that this happens every year. Think about that. If we miss the mark, we can begin again next year. (Hmmmm…suspicious, isn’t it? Is that a little bit of self-sabotage hiding behind the curtain?)

Back to the actual resolution: First, creating success is based upon your ability to feel relatively comfortable. Therefore, the resolution needs to be relatable, which breeds a certain level of comfort. When you declare that you are going to do something, it needs to be, at least, remotely understandable. For instance, let’s say that you would like to improve your relationship. Even if you have been trapped in a toxic-relationship that you have not been able to rectify or leave for years, chances are that you have relatable experiences. These unfavorable familiarities may be recent or have happened in your distant past, like on the playground. Looking back to that time, how were you able to separate yourself while in a circumstance that (you knew) was not good for you? How did you muster up the strength to move beyond the circumstance? Your history (or a story from someone else's life) holds the information to help you proceed. How? Your brain contains all the details of your history, which includes emotions. This information is there to guide your thoughts and reactions. Your brain wants to feel good, so your success is also in the pipeline. Therefore, life lessons are used within the context of your current life. You have the tools.

Also, do not let go when the enthusiasm has vanished. Almost everything that has value requires effort and patience. Do not abandon ship. Think of other situations that required effort for a good pay-out. When you decide to stay the course, the beginning will be difficult ( inconvenient is a better word). Soon after, you will begin to feel better, and then feel good as your confidence grows (as your brain is creating more chemicals that help make you feel accomplished – which always feel great).

Therefore, to make those life changing resolutions stick, keep them relatable, manageable, stay the course and allow them to become something you can feel good about. Happy You Can Do It Year! (And remember to write 2023 - 2022 is over.)

The Seasons of Your Life Bring Growth

Mon, 03 Oct 2022 23:51:41 GMT

The Seasons of Your Life Bring Growth

There is a change in the air. You can feel it. Just as the season’s do, our lives change also. In essence, the course of our lives has seasons which are defined equally as well as winter is cold and and summer is hot. (For the purposes if this discussion we are using four season climates.)

Our personal seasons are an integral part of who we are. In part, they account for our experiences, the development of our characteristics and our environments. Like climate related seasons, these times are temporary. Just as moving from one temporal season to the other promotes growth, so does our individual seasonal movement produce change.

The parallels within this metaphor are amazing. Think about it, many people prefer sun drenched environments. However, the cooler weather brings a behind the scenes growth that is essential to the lush green and color-filled flora that blooms after a spell of protective dormancy. This cooler, quieter hibernation period is important to bears, plants and people. There are times where we need to stop our active growth, allow our resources to regroup and recharge and then, move on from there. Yet, however similar, there is also a profound difference. Temporal seasons change as a natural cycle. Personal seasons are both natural and include shifts created by decision-making.

These shifts are often a result of what some people term “moving on”. This move can be exciting, scary and propel you in a direction that you never thought you would go in. Moving onward is a time of deliberation and strategic decision making.

Beyond the natural progression of personal seasons, decision-based change starts with review. You cannot move on without thinking about what you are leaving. What is it that you are moving on from and why? If you are thinking about moving on, what do you think you should be moving towards? This phase of growth may be the outcome of your hibernation – you less productive season – and now you are ready to assess, set goals and strategize. This is where you will define short and long-term goals – these are the targets that you are aiming for.

The assessment period helps to define the goal(s). Ask yourself, what am I trying to achieve? The answer to this question will reveal your goal(s). For instance, if you are looking to change the way your life is going, you need to figure out where it is that you want to place yourself. Kind of like guiding the child inside of you, what do you see that child doing with their life? How would you help that child move through the steps (seasons) in their life to succeed? Do not take the steps for granted. Although you think you have all that you need in place, do a quick inventory to ensure that you are positioned to proceed towards you goal. For instance, if you think that child should live in beautiful surroundings, first you would define what beautiful is to them. Goals need to be relatable, therefore, you would then involve them in experiences that affirm and reaffirm the definition of the concept of beautiful. This proactive exercise assists in the increase of relatability and inspiring change. That moment in time will allow the current season to end, and active growth to commence, ushing in the next season of life.

Want to Feel Good? What do you Expect?

Tue, 02 Aug 2022 18:52:44 GMT

Want to Feel Good? What do you Expect?

Photo credit: Galaxiez

When you look at the photo above this writing, what are your thoughts? What are your expectations? Warmth? The feeling of sand beneath your feet? The rhythmic sound of the waves rolling in, only to recede back into the beautiful ocean? Or do you think of sand crabs, sharp broken shells and monstruous sea life? Right here, the definition of your upcoming experience and emotions have been grafted into place. Want to know why this happens? Well, here it is:

Your brain (which is where all your thoughts, emotions and physical reactions originate and are processed) is at the ready to reason and respond in a variety of ways. Your brain finds reasoning in what it understands. How? Your brain considers an idea and aligns it with a previously known category of thought making the information understandable (categorical thinking). When we consider that we won’t like something – that is generally what happens - your unhappy – at least in the beginning. Let’s say you are tired. You would rather stay home. You like the people you are supposed to see but the more you think about it, the less you can tolerate the thought of being with them - or anyone else for that matter. Is your brain actually telling you that you don’t like people? No. It is trying to figure out whether and why you should stay home or go out. To make that decision, your brain looks to make the most sense of the information it is processing. When your thoughts connect to a category with validating thoughts a decision is made.

Unknowingly, we often place ourselves into the very positions that we wish to avoid; counterproductive but true. Why would we do that? Because neurologically, we learn from history. As we grow and gain experience, we learn about good and bad. Although our brain considers both positive and negative thoughts, people are frequently driven more by what they are afraid of than what they are hopeful for. The more we relate to negative the greater the negative slant in our thinking. The same goes for positive references.

Think about it: When we were little, we were taught not to put our hand in the fire (or on the stove) because if we did, we would get burned. “It’s hot. It hurts and you will cry.” Watching someone we trust pretend to put their hand near fire and yell OUCH! while making a very sad or scared face is enough for a child to relate to. However, as we mature our mind manages this information a bit differently. Thinking of someone putting their hand in fire/on the stove, your brain takes the scenario much further. If I put my hand in fire I will get burned. That means I may have open wounds. That means I will have pain. I might need bandages. Now you are thinking about the bathroom medicine cabinet. That can lead to the need for a hospital, the next thing you know you are thinking about the burn unit. The more we have experienced (or learned about), the more we information we consider. This is what happens when your brain processes information – good, bad, or indifferent.

Here is a mixed-emotion scenario: Recently, I had flowers in my home. My neighbor came in and almost squealed with joy. Who gave those beautiful flowers to you? Do you have an admirer? Have you gone to a wedding? It’s so wonderful to be in love. I felt terrible when I had to tell her that I bought them for myself at Trader Joe’s. In an instant, I saw that I deflated her cheerful expectations. ( So sorry my friend .)

The point, science establishes that you have more control in your life than you think. Yes, there are things we cannot control, but there is plenty that we can do. If your experiences are considerably negative (fear-based), that is how you will proceed - with an overlay of caution that becomes an obstacle to your goals. Caution is good but not to the degree of disabling you.

Recently, I worked with somebody who was afraid to drive on highways. When we started to talk about it, she could see her point of fear. She adjusted her thinking, when deciding that every time she drove on the highway she was not an eminent target (as she had thought to be true before). Now she drives on the highway with reasonable caution and feels a freedom that she had not experienced prior.

So the next time you have an idea or hear of something that sounds good for you, remember how your brain works. As you consider the upcoming activity, if you start to create situations that do not feel good, you will know that your brain has aligned with negative categories. Ask yourself if this is a healthy degree of caution or something designed to derail your success. If it is the latter, deliberately tell your brain (as if it is a separate entity) that there are many good circumstances that go along with the idea. Help your brain to choose the best category and aligned information.

Want to feel good? When faced with a decision, ask yourself, What do I expect? Do not wait until you are disappointedly shaking your head muttering Well, of course that happened. What did I expect?

Managing Tension and Anxiety

Wed, 01 Jun 2022 03:44:59 GMT

Addressing the Challenges of Tension and Anxiety

Photo Credit: Medical News Today

Tensions are running high. We are regularly distracted by the troubles of our world. On the heels of adjusting within an erratic environment swayed by a pursuant virus, we are also challenged to remain healthy while being inundated by a deluge of information. This is no easy task, so it is smart to learn about what your brain (mind) is doing. While managing the typical stressors of daily life, we juggle material that often induces fear, worry and sadness. Our minds simply do not learn and discard information. We have not learned of events such as Jim Jones’ Guyana massacre, the school shooting in Columbine, and the hunt and execution of Osama bin Laden only to then forget it all as if nothing had happened. All the while, these stories are kept within the recesses of our mind, along with other concerns, and then compounded by whatever arises next. George Floyd, victimization that has spurred hashtag movements, each of which beckons us to question beliefs and behaviors. All of this adds to our history – our community, global and personal history. Those shot in Buffalo because of their race connects us to the shootings in the 2018 Pittsburg synagogue. The murdered children and teachers in Texas bridge all gaps to the Sandy Hook children and adults killed in 2012. Current political and civil rights issues connect us to a myriad of inflamed policies leading as far back as the 1787 adoption of the U.S. Constitution. Feeling a little uptight? I bet you are. Your brain, and your body can only handle just so much without being affected. What can you do to counteract the intensity of our experiences?

Increase your perspective. Once upon a time, people lived in a world where the news was based upon the confines of local communities. Now, as fortunate as we are to have ever-progressing technology, we are connected to insurmountable information. You are no longer just a member of your hometown, but the global community as well. Even where technology is minor, there is someone able to share the news. This is where many distractions come from. Your brain is built, significantly so, to problem solve. Therefore, even if you are not a person who thinks they need to solve everybody's problems, your mind is constantly trying to find a way to solve the mystery at hand. This includes how to feel better during tumultuous times (think fight or flight). Therefore, although you may not single-handedly quelle conflicts within Ukraine you are still vexed with how to live in a world with significant discord. How are you supposed to secure peace of heart and focus?

These issues combined explain why so many people are feeling overwhelmed and more stressed than ever. With minds that are transfixed upon multiple levels of issues, our brains are working over-time to work through compounded matters – both good and bad. Thankfully, there are a myriad of ways to decrease your stress through your internal need to problem-solve and desire for personal peace. Additionally, your tension and/or tranquility affects your environment and those around you. This means that you have an accountability not only to yourself but to the health of your environment.

Make a decision. In our ever-expanding technological world there are videos, articles, and podcasts (many of which are very good) that can guide you to peace, purpose, and health. We are at no loss for motivational hacks and insights to put us in touch with our better selves. Make the decision to connect to some answers. If you are not sure where to look, search for material on subject such as breathing exercises, guided imagery, better mental health, nutrition, and the like. My suggestion is to also go outside of the box and look to material that answers your need. For instance, having trouble keeping your focus? Look to material about ADHD. (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) does not mean that the person is bouncing off the walls. It means that the mind is moving very quickly making it difficult to maintain focus.) Therefore, discussions addressing ADHD can provide you with effective information to help make the changes that you want.

Ultimately, there are a lot of answers in a lot of places; some in obvious places and some in places that you may ordinarily overlook. (If the answers you already have aren’t working then the answers are probably elsewhere – or you need to apply the answers differently. This is a discussion we can problem-solve in another blog on a different day.) There is so much opportunity to access helpful information that you can tailor your journey to better mental health in accordance with your needs. That alone can decrease your tension and stress and increase your satisfaction and peace of mind.

The Art of Yelling, Screaming and Crying

Tue, 03 May 2022 20:12:40 GMT

The Art of Yelling, Screaming and Crying

Photo credit: Ellie Burgin

I have just decided that I want to be four years old again. Or three. Or even two. I do not mean all day, just when I need to be. Think about it. When we are young, it is perfectly okay to cry or emotionally fall apart in public. Wouldn’t it be great if we could throw ourselves on the floor in a store aisle, huff and puff and completely lose it? If you could do that, do you realize how quickly your stress would dissipate?

It is safe to say, that when in a public place, a crying (or screaming) child can be off-putting. This expressive vocalization is disruptive and, to many, annoying. Yet, if you stop to think about what is really happening, that child is crumbling for a reason. In that upsetting moment, verbal combustion may be their only reference point to express their feelings. Young children are often unable to articulate their feelings in real time because they have not yet developed adult language and nuances. They need time to get there - like years.

Yelling (or screaming) is a powerful tool that addresses the momentum of emotions and is more functional than you may believe. Think about the men’s groups that meet on mountain tops or in the woods to yell together. Ever hear of Primal Scream Therapy ? There is something about the transformational experience of a person who, when alone, yells or screams to get that irritating energy out of their head and heart. (This is not permission to become verbally or emotionally aggressive. This is not about becoming out of control and yelling AT others. This is about healthy processing.)

Crying is also a smart idea. We cry for all different reasons, one of which is when we simply cannot contain the emotive energy anymore. Research documents that crying stimulates the release of oxytocin and prolactin, which are two chemicals that decrease your heart rate and bring a sense of calmness. Similar to spontaneous yelling and gut-level grunting, crying is a way to manage our overflow. Without it we would implode, withdraw or become volcanic.

Also, when adults can’t deal with a child’s outburst, they offer them things like toys or ice cream, purely because the grown-up can’t regulate the emotional overflow quickly enough. Compounding the issue, the adult may become so frustrated that perhaps they start yelling. Wouldn’t it be amazing if the adult threw themselves on the floor with the child? Imagine the possibilities. I bet the youngster would become very quiet and then either console the adult or rejoin the activity. What a funny thought. Now, I feel like going out, finding a screaming kid and throwing myself on the floor to experience a side-by-side freak out.

We are socialized to contain and maintain our upset. We are told at young ages not to cry and not to yell, which are the underpinnings of socialized peace. Yet, we need to do something with our power-packed feelings. Yes, there are pillows and punching bags to unload on, but maybe redirecting that pent-up energy, is not such a bad idea. I am NOT saying that while shopping, in a theater or during dinner you should start yelling and bawling your eyes out. However, if that much energy is building up within you, maybe you need to get that out at some point – sooner than later. Otherwise, those feelings will continue to build and…kaboom! (Kaboom can include withdrawing from others.) Sure, there is retail therapy, drinking excessively, drugging, over-working, none of which solves the problem. So, it is best to do something that will shift your brain chemistry and allow you to truly feel better. You know what to do. Find a private space and yell like you are crazy. Don’t like that? Go for a run, bike, dance, do something thrilling, watch a comedy and laugh…there are many ways to use that energy. Or simply let those tears flow and cry me a river.

Of note: At the age of two, I threw a tantrum and twenty-one spoons in the famed New York City Mama Leoni’s Restaurant. Upon throwing the twenty first spoon, my grandfather took me out of the dining area and into the closed off entryway until I calmed down. Then we all felt better.

I am Tolerant But...

Wed, 06 Apr 2022 01:24:10 GMT

I Am Tolerant, But....

Photo Credit: Lies About Parenting

Today, it was another call. Another. This time it was about an eighth-grade female who was physically and verbally assaulted. Why? Because one of her parents is Russian. As she cried and begged, she repeated that her other parent is Ukrainian. That didn’t matter to the hate-filled, myopic, high school-age aggressors. She is half Russian and that is all they could see – or wanted to see. Like a cyclops, they could only see within the tunnel of their vision. They acted upon decisions made before the beatings and verbal assaults occurred. Here, in the land of tolerance, the choice to attack her was based upon finding someone to hate, someone to become a nation’s scapegoat.

It is incredibly disturbing to think that in a nation where words like “woke” are invented this is possible. More so, in this country alone, the financial expenditure for diversity, equity and inclusion (DEI) training is extensive and growing. The Society of Human Resource Management reported that Fortune 1000 companies spend between $30,000 to $1.5 million on DEI training. The watchdog organization, Parents Defending Education reports that since 2020, the public school budget for such training exceeds $21 million. All of this training is bolstered by the estimated $11.3 plus billion self-improvement industry aimed at helping people to become better versions of themselves ( Metadata ). Together, these annual figures mark our commitment to the betterment of ourselves and others.

We live in an era where countless people, on and off all forms of media, speak about how we must be tolerant and understanding of others. Throngs of people gather to advocate for the vulnerable. Yet, a determination to hurt people flows beneath the surface of our socially-just conversations. Yes, there will always be conflict, and conflict has its place in growth. And no, we don't all have to approve or agree. However, people being held accountable for something they have nothing to do makes no sense. This young girl has nothing to do with international politics. Situations such as this should give us pause, like stop-dead-in-your-tracks-pause, and demand critical review.

What are we really doing? We live a society that is proud of its interpersonal and technological ability to support social and industrial interchange. However, we are challenged to add the balance of emotional intelligence when there is a consistent stream of material that keeps us within our own frame of reference. Think about it. You look at sneakers online and, magically, you receive a lot of sneaker advertisements, etc.. Those digital algorithms are hard at work to ensure you see what you are interested in. Therefore, unless we go out of our way, we often receive information that is geared toward our current way of thinking. As you might have guessed, one of the best methods to create balance is to educate ourselves as much as we can. However, education without application is wasteful. Whether from the streets or the classroom, we are called to transform as we move the lesson to real life. It is one thing to talk about advocating for our vulnerable/ greater community but it is another thing to do it. No matter what the personal belief is, it is unkind and unjust to expose the impressionable to biased information aligned with the mistrust and determination needed to isolate their peers. (The making of a bully.) Also, you would think that after two years of pandemic living, we would want to unify and not isolate.

This is not a period piece. This far exceeds the overflow of the Russia/Ukraine conflict. The power seat of putting others in their place could use some adjusting. We do not like bullies, so much so that all 50 states have anti-bullying laws with school districts that have complimentary policies. As often connected with roots of bias, our recent past is filled with subtle and strong conflicting messages. Our conversations echo comments that build people up and tear them down. " You are strong, you are smart and your voice counts. You have choices, education leads to opportunity. You can lead or follow, both roles are valuable. We need you and we are here for you. AND They are a liberal, they are a democrat, they are a republican. They wear a mask, they don’t wear a mask, they deliberately let the bats out, they are bad people because their leaders are bad, so let’s assume the authority to tell them they have no value."

Conflicting opinions can be powerful and cause progress but demoralizing others for different points of view can be damaging . How about we allow our convictions to strengthen who we are, without destroying those with different opinions - or in the case of children, those who are just learning? Building upon strength is always better than building upon weakness. We talk about success strategies, reflection/assessment, and mindfulness, so let's do it. Let’s not disappoint the Statue of Liberty (as if she were real).

Food for thought; our children are our next leaders. Why, in a time where self-improvement, DEI and restorative justice are a significant part of our social narrative, is there a penchant to spur and cast aspersions upon others? What are we modeling and teaching our upcoming industry, political and social leaders? Words are powerful and actions are observable.

This young girl, a straight A student and involved community member, became a victim to deliberate, well-thought-out messaging and actions that are destructive. These messages will never leave her. She will remember this forever. Even if she progresses beyond this series of events, it will remain in the back of her mind. We need to do better - much better. Need a challenge? Think about your stake in the (approximate) collective $11,321,7000,000 investment in tolerance. We have put our money where our mouth is. Now, it is time to reconcile our expenditures with our behavior. Let's help that eighth grader heal by making her proud.

What??? Are They Ignoring You or… Hearing and listening are different – and really important

Tue, 15 Mar 2022 03:04:29 GMT

What??? Are They Ignoring You or…
Hearing and listening are different – and really important

This discussion applies to all of us and is worth reading through. Listen to this:

Often, the words hearing and listening are used interchangeably. Like that time you narrowed your eyes and verbally blurted out, Did you hear me??? To which the person you were speaking probably said Yes as they were suddenly compelled to respond. Remember how frustrated you were because you felt dismissed? Compounding the matter, you might have been suspicious of that " Yes ", thinking they may have lied to shut you up. How could they not hear you? You were standing close enough to breathe their air and/or you were loud enough to wake the dead.

Except, perchance, they didn’t lie. Maybe they told you the truth. They heard you. The proof? Hearing is the primary function of the ears and they have ears. Unless there is a physical and/or medical problem, they heard you, but they were not listening, which means they did not process what they heard. In that case, there may be more at play that you know. Perhaps they have a circumstance that you are not aware of, such as Central Auditory Processing Delay (CAPD or APD). Therefore, they may be hearing and listening but the message moving from their ears to their brain is taking longer that it should. (Of course, they could also be ignoring you.)

Auditory processing delay can basically look like this: Sam is within earshot of you. You say their name to get their attention. They don’t respond. You say it again, maybe a few times more and eventually they respond. You think they are ignoring you. It is possible that the command to the brain to “listen and process” has been delayed (hence, the name: Auditory Processing Delay). However, someone not responding to you correctly may indicate something else.

Beyond medical deterrents, and under ordinary circumstances, you say something to a person, they hear, listen/process and react accordingly. By the way Person, I have one million dollars to give you. Want it? I can transfer it to your account right now. (Writing that makes me sound like a cybercriminal.) If the person heard and processed the information (to even a minimal degree) they would be attentive. That is a promise.

To listen, whether there is a delay or not, there must be some ability to hear. For whatever reason, if hearing is restricted, the words that are being processed may be askew. Fortunately, when hearing is difficult, a verbal review and additional listening can correct misinterpretation. It is important to note that someone can be hard of hearing or profoundly deaf and, as long as they can communicate in some form, they are able to process information as that is a function of the brain.

When we are stressed or anxious, we may not process at the speed we ordinarily do. Someone may speak with us, and we hear them, but our brain is not quickly registering what they have said. Our brains are busy elsewhere, not allowing us to be as present as we should be. Yes, that includes the muckiness of brain fog – which is now a huge mental health concern due to living within the burdens of a pandemic environment. You may have heard of this: COVID brain fog, it’s a newly developed and widely used term within today’s vocabulary.

Because distractions are real and affect listening, clarification can be a good idea. Usually, whether speaking or being spoken to, we can figure out if there is active listening. When someone thinks that have missed what has been said, or the speaker thinks their message has not been interpreted correctly, asking for clarification is perfectly fine. This gracious act leaves both parties with a mutual understanding of the topic, relieving everyone of the thunderously delivered question: DID YOU HEAR ME???

Bottom line, hearing (for those who are able) and listening are essential to good communication. Listening guides how we react to information and each other. This applies both to the person speaking and the one being spoken to. If one word is misunderstood, the context of an entire situation can be misdirected.

To drive the point home:

As we sat and talked, she told me that her eye doctor said she has better eyesight than the average 83 years old.

Me: That is great!

Her: Then I asked her about the white circles around my corneas. She took a close look, then hesitated to tell me.

Me: (Grimacing - Now I am concerned)

Her: She said it was two things. I can’t remember the first, but the second was masturbation.

(She sat there, looking at me seriously with those very eyes)

Me: What??? (Grimace has effectively changed to the face of confusion)

Her: That is what she said. Masturbation. I know. I was stunned too. She said that this is a part of aging.

Me: That can’t be. That is not…

Her: I know, but I am telling you that is what she said.

Me: That doesn’t make any sense. (Wondering if she thought that word was reassigned to an ocular diagnosis.)

Me: No. That is...this is not right…Look (I Googled: masturbation of the eye so I could show her)

Look there is a stream of material that says that masturbation does not cause blindness. So, it doesn’t affect the eyes. Wait, do you think she said Macular Degeneration?

Her: N-n-n-n…oh no, it sounds the same.

Her: (laughing) I am so relieved. I thought when people looked at me, they thought...well, you know…When I see my friends, I find I am looking more closely at their eyes.

Me: Macular degeneration runs in the family.

Her: Well, we know what those folks have been up to (Laughing – we are both laughing.)

Her: Now this makes sense. When I told the doctor that I do not partake of these things she looked completely confused.

Our beautiful, blue eyed 83-year-old heard, but not accurately. She listened, but the message was misinterpreted. When there was a sense of confusion, had she or the doctor asked for clarification, she would not have to worry about her eyes being the unveiled windows to her hypothetical self-caring soul.

I highly recommend taking the time to move beyond hearing and confirm that you are listening or being listened to. If the message seems to be off kilter, quickly revisit the discussion to clarify. Everyone will be better for it. She was really confused by the doctor’s response which could have been clarified in that moment, instead of ten long days later. (Thanks, Mom, for permitting me tell this story. I am glad that I made sure I heard you clearly. What a relief.)

What is your Baseline? Change your music, change your life.

Wed, 16 Feb 2022 05:53:03 GMT

What is Your Baseline? Change your tune, change your life.

It was a true pleasure to speak with such a talented musician. This seasoned, well-studied bass player looked at me and said, “When people really understand what a bass does it makes such a difference. Then, when they hear the bass, they can appreciate that it has a function.” As I agreed, I thought of how we view our lives. He was right. It would be great to understand the function of individual instruments like the bass. Of course, I could not just end the thought there. It struck me that, (metaphorically speaking), if we look at our life as we do a musical band, we can use our instruments to better define our music (or experiences). If we can understand the role and value of each separate instrument, we can insightfully and deliberately orchestrate life experiences in ways that would bring us more joy and satisfaction.

Lord knows, I love a good metaphor.

Here is a mini music lesson to get this idea going:

Have you ever heard a band without a base? It sounds good, but add a bass, and the whole sound changes. The low pitch of the bass provides two extremely important components: rhythmic foundation and harmonic foundation. This bassline establishes a predictable structure for musical melody to freely follow and move upon. A drummer provides the beat to follow. The bassist provides the pulse, which establishes synchronicity and rhythm within the music. This pulse supports the harmony, creating togetherness.

There are instances where harmony is created by one instrument such as the guitar. Harmony can also be achieved by a combination of instruments or voices. However, when you add the bass, it changes what you hear. It almost grounds the music, as it provides the root note of each chord. It adds a depth and new vibrations to the overall combination of existing vibrations. (Vibrations create the sound of music that you hear.) Therefore, rhythm and harmony can be an established though a variety of means, but if you include a grounding pitch, your music will come together.

Want harmony in your life? You need a grounding pitch.

For the sake of this argument, let’s say that (figuratively) each instrument is a segment of your life. Ask yourself: Do these instruments work well tother? Do they create the life-music that I want to experience? Do I have the synchronicity and harmony of a well-constructed and conducted band? Have I introduced instruments into my life that deliver the right rhythm? If not, you should look at your bassline, well actually…your baseline.

A baseline provides guidance - a basis for comparison and judgement. A baseline, like a musical bassline, brings a variety of circumstances together. It is a vibration, if you will, that shifts independent factors to work together. That is how to create feel good harmony and rhythm. One voice sounds good but harmonious voices resonate with a different depth. To figure out what type of pulse will benefit your life you need to add or adjust something to create a better baseline. What is it that you can do, within yourself – within your band - to establish harmony and rhythm in your life? Do you have your finger on the pulse of your life? More-so, do you live life with a pulse that is well-defined, strong, and healthy?

Like a bass player, your baseline can be crafted as an expression of your personality. A bass player can create a bassline with characteristics that help to guide the rest of the music. You can do the same as you develop the baseline in your life. Does your life-music correctly represent who you are? If not, search your heart, your core values, and adjust your baseline so that it enhances your life. There are few things more irksome than disjointed music and a chaotic life.

Think about it, you are in control of most of your life. (Most, as there are things you cannot control.) So, for the most part, you decide how you will react, where you spend most of your time, who you spend your time with, what you pay attention to, how your use your resources, etc. To bring more harmony into your life you need to intentionally adjust or add an activity or way of thinking that will change the pulse of your experience. For example, let’s say your daily routine is waking up, getting ready for the day, going to work, going home, taking care of responsibilities, watching a movie, going to sleep, waking up and doing it all again….and again.

What if you turn on music after you get home, and while listening begin to sing? What would happen if instead of hunkering down, you go for a walk in a place that is pleasant? What would happen if you don’t watch a show but, while listening to that music, decide to take care of a project that you have been meaning to do for a long time (like organizing your photos)? You can also do something to challenge your current beliefs through learning and adopt new, healthier ones. The options are endless. Whether shifting your habits or thoughts, you will have adjusted the baseline that guides you. You are abandoning This is what I do and moving to This is what I want.

Look at you, changing and tuning your instruments.

What life-music do you want?

You should arrange your band in the way that works best for you. Each of the previous examples brings you to different place than your regular baseline. How? Organizing photos congers up memories, as you revisit images that tell stories. Listening to music fills the airspace with emotionally effects and singing fills the soul. In the end, each of these examples deliver a sense – a pulse - of accomplishment because you have altered the baseline. Now there is harmony and rhythm in your life-music that is strong. Harmony and rhythm seek more of the same, which will lead to future pulsations that secure harmony in your life. So, think, does your baseline establish the rhythm and harmony that you desire, or do you need to shift or add a bassline?

Re-defining Middle Age. Welcome to your new year

Wed, 12 Jan 2022 18:28:22 GMT

Redefining Middle Age. Welcome to your new year.
Being seen for who you really are.

In my counseling practice, kids and adults often tell me the same thing. They wish people would get to know them for who they are. They do not want to be judged or treated based upon what people see or the stereotypes of their generation. I feel the same way. Maybe you do too.

Let’s start with this: As the intensity of the pandemic wave decreased, it was time to go back out into the world and have my ax-murder-hair blown dry. Evidently, this makes me more socially acceptable in certain circles. (I wrote about that topic years ago.) On this particular day, my blow-drying wonder of a stylist was out, so I was assigned to another who was assuredly talented. When I arrived, the salon re-assigned me to yet another, a third stylist. Although I had no knowledge of this person, I set my perceived vulnerabilities aside and decided all would be well. Initially, everything seemed hunky-dory but then it began to happen. At first, I thought the stylist was just being extremely nice to me - her new client. Something felt off. Maybe it was me. But no, it was not me. The inflections of her verbal address and body language were washed with a slight sense of exaggeration. Maybe she was nervous about matching the skills of the stylist who is ordinarily at my hair-helm. There was something very familiar about this experience and a particular awkwardness to our interchange. And then it hit me - like a blow-dryer to the forehead! She was speaking with me like I needed coddling. Like I was a bit fragile. (We all know I am a delicate flower, but this was a bit much.)

It registered that, often, this is how the younger set speaks with those who are significantly their senior. This thought was momentarily alarming, but then I found it so entertaining that I was tickled pink. (The elderly say that you know). It is the tone of voice, the pace of speech, the body language, the magnanimous delay in wait for the elder’s response, accompanied by a side bar of a kind, patient smile, followed with understanding nods of recognition. It isn’t meant to be demeaning, it is meant to be gracious and considerate. She was so sweet and didn’t mean anything but good. As I sat there with her hands in my hair, I wondered if this is what happens now, what happens later? I understand that a lot of this benevolent behavior is based upon socialized respect and beliefs about those older than we, but think about this:

For the purposes of this discussion, let’s create a quick statistical profile of mid to end-of-life in the United States. In 1880, people were apt to get married between the ages of the ages of 14 - 17. If a woman was not married by the age of 19 (which was very late in the game), she was considered an old maid or spinster, unfit for marriage as she was too old. During this era, people generally died at about the age of 40. By 1990, the average age for females to marry moved to 23 years old and 26 for males, with the median age of death at 75.5. Later in 2000, females were getting married at 27 and males at 29. By this time, the median age of death was 79.5. Now people are marrying into their early thirties, if at all, and we are living into our centennial year, which means 100 or so.

As progressive as these shifts are, they wreaked havoc on the concept and definition of middle-age. If old age was 40 and middle-aged folks, (at around the age of 25), were thinking about becoming elderly, they had better get married by 17. That makes total sense.

However, the term middle-age does not strictly mark the center of the life span. It is a physiological developmental stage. According to a variety of sources, including Britannica, middle-age refers to the age bracket before old age. This is not only based upon chronological age but the way one looks at life. The middle-aged person is no longer thinking about strategies to advance in family development, career, etc. They are preparing for old age. Currently, the socially accepted range of middle-age is estimated between 40 – 60. This may be predicated upon living to the mean age of 80. Therefore, given that our life expectancy is now 79, (thirty years longer than in 1900) and many people are living into their early 100s, the current definition seems to be inaccurate and antiquated. It is time to recognize this physiological shift. Therefore, my friends, I am happy to inform you that according to these calculations, middle-age is likely between 60-75. This formula not only includes your age, and how you are looking at life but how active you are. As a group, mature people are working longer and are much more active on all levels than their predecessors. I also suppose that means that yesterday’s young adults are actually adolescents. Suddenly, everything seems clear (I am kidding.) So, according to science and experience, our terminology and stereotypes need some updating.

Taking our cues from those whose who want to be appreciated for who they are; we are well advised to override some of our socialized responses. Let’s learn a little about the people we encounter. They may have more to them than you believe. They may have more life to them than you think. And also, you are not done until you are done. Have a great new year.

Tired of Being Tired? How to Mange Living Through Change. Introducing the Reactive Reset Response Phenomenon

Tue, 09 Nov 2021 03:58:10 GMT

Tired of Being Tired? Living through Changes and What to Do
Introducing the Reactive Reset Response Phenomenon

Tired of Being Tired? Living through Changes and What to Do

Introducing the Reactive Reset Response Phenomenon

People are overwhelmed, fatigued, and some so frustrated that they are giving up on their goals. With an overview of the last few years, it is easy to see why. Until the recent past, people spent concentrated time and energy making “it” happen. And happen it did, until we were side swiped by the runaway COVID19 train. Oddly, a mere two years ago feels both like forever and yesterday. We remember people scheduling time for work, school, family, friends, daily routines, and time to take time. Then March 2020 came in like a lion and no more for you. No more office for you. No more classroom for you. No more whatever that was for you. Stay home. Stay in. Stay away from each other. So, we reset. Suddenly, people began organizing a lifetime of photos, baking sour-dough bread, buying air-fryers, and sharpening their synchronized dance skills. It is easy to argue that Tik Tok may have saved some people’s sanity.

Don’t hyperventilate, the story gets better. Time, doing what time does best, gave us the time and space to figure things out and redirect. As the months moved on, we adjusted and re-adjusted our lifestyles and pace. When Corona was no longer novel, there was a push to return to life as we knew it. COVID19 and its offspring variants snubbed their viral noses at us and simply said No. We did not ask for much. We just wanted what had been taken from us. We were done feeling the fear of closeness. (Remember when people were so uncomfortable, they avoided eye contact as anyone could be a contaminated killer.) We wanted our freedom back. We wanted to go to the studio, the store, the coffee shop. We just wanted to buy something in person. We even wanted to see people we didn’t like. However, pandemics don’t care about what you want. The virus was busy doing its job – it was working to spread and survive.

Meanwhile, research, vaccine development/availability, health reports, and the like provided us with important and informative distractions. These diversions helped us to look beyond the scope of our fear-based lens. We also paid attention to the throngs of dedicated and strained first responders, for whom we worried and offered support. (No, I don’t mean your liquor store employees). While they bobbed and weaved within this epidemic’s whirlwind, the rest of the world was moving more slowly than it had before. Most of us were off our axis and living in a rotation that was way out of balance. We worked hard to recalibrate, as we are built to survive no matter the lifestyle or environment.

In our quietude, some good shifts occurred. Many people unexpectedly found peace, as their inner introvert was nourished by the lack of constant stimuli. Discussions of maverick achievers were replaced by mindfulness and self-care. Portions of our social narrative changed due to the consistency and length of time within this new culture. Extraverts and otherverts worked to remain face-forward with promises of our world re-opening. However, no matter your vert (or characteristic leaning), many people swore that things (such as commutation time) would decrease and living to work (where possible) was no longer the trend. Yes Millennials, it is true! The world could suddenly see what you had seen long before. We changed direction and set our feet upon the work to live path, realizing that working from (or close to) home benefits productivity, decreases business expenditures, and increases our at-home time. It can also be argued that platforms like Zoom, and FaceTime saved minds and added to our vocabulary. Zoomtails? Like cocktails on Zoom? Look at us creating compound words.

All of this to say, there was something we may not have considered: When the uptick in our ability to re-connect emerged, we would be jettisoned into somewhat of a chaotic hyper-drive. Emotionally, analytically, and simultaneously, we would experience conflicts in regrouping. We would be both eager and suspect. Each thought would be accompanied by a reaction. As the era of virtual meeting pajama-bottom attire hit the veritable brakes, we went flying. Why? Just because something changes doesn’t mean everything does. At least not right away. (See inertia) Human beings need time to adjust - and we’ve been doing far more than our share for a long period of time.

Most people I speak to feel very tired, frazzled, are having a tough time focusing, feel less tolerant than normal and often out of synch. The word overwhelmed has become a part of our daily vernacular. People of all ages tell me that they feel like there is so much to do that they cannot keep up. There is an overarching sense of frustration and tiredness. For instance, some students have explained that suddenly it feels like there are so many academic demands they are overloaded. The truth is that the pre-pandemic and current workloads are probably similar. Some say they have abandoned their fixation on grades. It is not worth it. I just want to graduate. We are staring at the results of what happens when a person or group must repeatedly adjust in a time of certain uncertainties.

Let’s not forget that during our adjusting to adjust, people have been trying to feel okay and practice better health. They are meditating, medicating, doing yoga, hiking, delving into passions, not taking life for granted, etc. Nevertheless, our mental health has been affected. We have endured so many shifts that our brains have been yanked around quite a bit. Stop, go, slowdown, wait, mask on, mask off, mask on…this consistent inconsistency is a lot more to manage than we gave it credit for. Your brain is tired of this viral Simon Says and when your brain is tired you are tired.

Each time we have an experience, our brain reacts. This is your brain doing its job. It adapts to protect you and equips you to respond accordingly. In situations such as a pandemic, just when we think we have it right, we have had to adjust and re-approach. This is counter-intuitive to your brain which is looking to find what it understands best - it likes routine. Our interrupted patterns have made us tired, unfocused, and frustrated because we have had to learn, stop, redirect, focus, and then do it again. I call this phenomenon Reactive Reset Response (R3). It is exactly what is happening, and it is easy explain and remember.

Want to crush Reactive Reset Response? Keep these three things in mind: (1) There is no way to make a change if you don’t know what to change (2) You cannot change what you don’t understand. (3) Keep your thinking simple – simple is easy. You can use these methods to beat R3.

Decrease the strain: Understand what has happened.

As an individual and member of a greater group, you have shifted from life as you knew it, to a very slow, rearranged pace, to a reintroduction to a life that continuously introduces more. That is what happened.

Center your self: No, that is not a typo. Self speaks to your nature, the characteristics that you manage and own. How can you balance your self as the world is working to steady itself? Find your answer in the easiest place: In your lifetime, when you faced challenges, what has been your best way of becoming confident and steady?

How to treat your self: Using your brain chemistry, treat that self of yours with good inside-your-skull chemicals. Do this by using your memories (they prompt brain chemistry). Have you learned anything that helped you (or someone else) to get through difficult pandemic times? Did you engage in new behaviors? Do any of those new behaviors belong in your life for the longer term? Focus on new or proven constructive methods to divert you from feeling lousy. If those new behaviors brought you peace, use them – or something like them – now.

Respect adjustment: Remember that your brain adapts to help you reason and survive. Although adjustment can feel lonely or confusing, you are not alone. During this complex time, people have been doing their best to adjust, even when there were almost no or conflicting answers. The definition of adjust means change not stability. You are doing your best and will land on your feet when you find your balance.

Above all, know that you count: You are a pioneer. You are a part of history where societal changes were made. You helped to make those changes. You helped to make life work. You are a valuable member of that global recovery mission. That is the truth.

These methods will help you to decrease frustration and allow your energy reserve to increase along with your peace of mind. You will have made your thoughts and emotions more manageable, and in that there is tranquility, a sense of knowing, which is exactly what that brain of yours is looking for.

Listening Face Down. Texting is great until you want to connect.

Tue, 28 Sep 2021 04:45:45 GMT

Listening Face Down. Texting is great until you want to connect.

I don’t know what you think about when you are sitting around, but I lapse into observance. Actually, we all do this to a degree. We are built to do this. Unless you have a bag over your head; your eyes see, your ears hear, and you sense the unspoken. After that initial experience, your mind recalls relatable thoughts. Why? Because, instinctively, your call is to make connections and your brain is doing its job. For example, I am out for dinner. To my immediate left is a family of five. The son is flanked by his sister and his newly minted fiancé, who is seated at the end of the table. At the opposite end are the parents who seem obligatorily engaged. The father even less, as evidenced by his incessant reading and texting, on his phone, beneath the table. Suddenly, I am triggered to think: This looks like a role reversal. Why are these three young adults fully engaged and the father is texting? And why do people in their twenties and early thirties bring in their lower lip with their teeth when thinking? Is that stress? Is that wanting to share something and deliberately physically shutting your mouth? I am looking at a perfect example of a current day social shift. I have connected - not to the family but to thoughts and curiosity. Thank you, brain o’ mine. Nice topic.

Anthropologically speaking, language is the primary method of communication within societies and helps cultures to become socially bonded. Historically, general methods for communication remained considerably the same until the advent of email (for public use) in 1991 and texting/messaging (known as SMS/short message service) in 1992. The greatest technological change prior to this was ushered in by the introduction of the telephone (1854 – 1876) and linguistic anthropology recognizes communication as the method to create common ground, which results in social bonds.

For over two decades, in an effort to strengthen family culture and social bonds, parents have asked ( told ) their children that they are not to text or use technology at the table. Classically, mealtime has been considered a time for sharing information and creating common ground. For the family to my left, it looks like that message worked as each of the three young adults are engaged in discussion with each other and their parents. Occasionally, the mother leans forward; her body language exhibiting interest and engagement. Now it looks like the father is browsing the web. What does this say? (Beyond the fact that I sound like a spy.) Wait, forget it, system failure. The son is phone-in-hand and no one flinched. Evidently, this is a socially accepted practice within the culture of the family.

Now, the father is speaking to everyone! (I sort of feel like I am at the Bronx Zoo watching animals in their hypothetical habitat – except, this is a restaurant, they are real people, and I am not staring at them in wonderment with a quarter’s worth of feed in my hand.) In the spirit of non-verbal messaging, the son just reached in front of his fiancé, took her wine glass, finished her wine, and placed the empty glass in front of her. I think Emily Post just rolled over in her grave. (If you don’t know who that is, Google her.) Clearly, there is a strong sense of communication within this family, much of which is unspoken. This does not mean that they are bad people, it only means that they have adopted social practices that align with the need for a certain level of connectedness. This is not unusual and it is a common practice within society. I am sure, that that all love each other.

Whether or not you are a fan of technology at the table (or in any social situation), there is an undeniable quality in face-to-face discussion. Although patterns of communication have changed, what has not is our need for connection. We need those who we spend time with to be present – at least to a degree. We need this in all facets of our life. If someone is not present, we sense it. We are biological entities whose primal resources sense and interpret unspoken nuances. Feel free to call this the unspoken word . This is exactly why personal interaction is irreplaceable. Not only is our unspoken word a message, but that message can be misinterpreted. (Ahem…A quick shout out to those who don’t reply to text messages. )

Make no mistake, this does not dismiss the ability to sense another person’s distraction while speaking via telephone, messaging, virtual platform or in person. This also does not refute the wonderful connections afforded us by way of the internet. However, from the G.I. Generation to Gen Z, everyone agrees that talking to someone who is not listening stinks.

Think about it, my neighboring diners decided to go out to dinner together. This is a deliberate action to be seated TOGETHER. Frankly, I am sure that somewhere within the history of mankind, it was confirmed that spending time together in person was a good method to develop social bonds. Regardless of whether being together results in enjoyment or discord, it causes a connection. So, we get together for an iced tea, coffee, a cocktail, a holiday feast, a hike, a jog…you get the point. If this method was not effective, we would have ended the ritual long ago, just like we stopped going to the local water hole with a washboard and ringer to do our laundry. (Which, by the way, replaced the use of rocks and air drying.) So why, why, why would you go out of your way to be with people and then face head down at a techno-box? (For whatever it is worth, when your head is facing down you cannot see what is happening above.) Bottom line, you are either interested in creating common space or you are not. And you are either connected or you are not. Just like asking your kids to learn and adopt valuable social manners, often making technology unnecessary at the table, it is a choice. So, choose your spoken and unspoken words carefully – deliberately – because the people in front of you are interested in what you have to say and the connections that you make.

A sincere and special thank you to the family that helped us to consider social norms, grow and do what we do best...connect. #Impact #YouAreTheBest #Connections

A Seat at the Bar

183:830819963 (Allyson Maida) — Tue, 24 Aug 2021 02:43:40 GMT

A Seat at the Bar:
Incidents of age and cruising through the day on your own

I wish there was a way to begin this writing with a yell of sorts. A yell that simultaneously hollers: WHAT? NO WAY! and YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME! . So, AHHHHH!!! As I walked into that pretty cool gastronomy pub, I was immediately greeted by a dapper young mask-covered host. Everything seemed fine until…

I asked for a table for one, (which seemed like a normal request, as I was alone) to which he responded, “ Would you like a seat at the bar? ” No thank you , I replied, at which point he looked at me oddly. (What? Was there spinach on my mask?) I quickly slid into my defense validating my preference with: I hate that whole belly up to the bar ear-to-ear dynamic.

I followed him into a small room with a couch and coffee table, a few community tables and a small table tucked into the corner. He suggested the dark corner table for my dining pleasure “ …so, you can have privacy ”. And he was right, it was very private, like cut off from society private. As we scanned the room, he assured me that people generally don’t like the couch, “ kind of difficult to sit on and eat ”. Compared to the corner it looked so comfortable. You guessed it; you know exactly where I sat. Not only was I comfortable, but my dinner was great. However, reeling back for a moment, that poor host was at a such a loss when I told him it was a perfect place to sit. He seemed to need a few minutes on the couch to gather himself.

Wondering what this horribly awkward exchange was about? So was I, and then it hit me! I am old. Not a member of the frail elderly, but I showed up older than some and alone. To put this in perspective, certainly, I am significantly older than my hospitable host. This epiphany came while I was eating. I looked up and into the adjoining room to see two people. They were both sitting at the bar a few seats from each other. They were both middle-aged and alone. They were old and alone…like me! Almost stereotypically, the woman drank wine, the man drank beer and I wondered, has the bar become a perch for the old ?

I distinctly remember not being old enough to sit at a bar, so I guess I have arrived. Very exciting.

This experience reminds me of so many other moments. Being spoken to like I drive a mini-van (no offense if you drive a mini-van). Being asked if I need help when shopping, not out of simple kindness, more like I am decrepit. Having my hair cut and freaking out because they cut my hair as if I spend all year hawking my kid’s girl-scout cookies to neighbors. Do you want to sit at the bar? No, I want to go to a music fest. I want to go to an underground art show for emerging artists. No, I want to buy that three-wheeled Can-Am. I want to hang out, not convalesce, with my friends. This is not a crisis. Simply, I am not done yet.

Being young at heart, having fun or thinking that life (while having a few more rings around your tree) is simply great, not infantile or sophomoric. Nor is it irresponsibly dismissive of significant issues. Why is it that when we become older, we have to do things like cut our hair shorter and stop dancing (I don’t mean that arm-in-arm rocking back and forth dancing thing at a wedding). Morphing into your older years, at your pace, is fine but why the expectations and push? Why do we have to abandon, or be forced to mature past the things we enjoy (as if we are the victim of corporate downsizing)? This is not a mandated call to take the package. This is developing through your life. This is your life.

I do not mean that pretending to be a member of a different age group is the way to go. Clearly, developmentally, you are a part of your generation, which is perfect. More so, that moment where a Boomer is posing as a member of Gen Z never goes well. Pretending to align never works - being yourself does. Also, there is nothing mature about forcing people to be who they are not. If they want to sit on the couch, let them do it. If they get stuck in the deep-seated couch, they will either ask for help or throw themselves on to the floor as they try to thrust themselves to a standing position. They are all grown up, let them do what they want.

These are my thoughts. What are yours? Join me to discuss this by making a comment below . It will be interesting to continue this discussion - no matter your age. (By the way, I just had to lean into the light and squint to read the restaurant check.)

Finally old enough to sit at the bar,

Allyson

Things Are Not Like They Used To Be. I Love You Man

Mon, 14 Jun 2021 03:44:08 GMT

Things Are Not Like They Used to Be. I Love You Man.
Re-entering life as COVID19’s social effects are quelled

In early 2020, we began to wonder how we would live like that . We faced restrictions in ways that we never imagined. Populations made of individuals, living separately fearing that, unknowingly, anyone could make you sick enough to die and you could do the same to someone else. Now, with restrictions receding, we are wondering how we are supposed to live differently. Is it supposed to be different than the pre-pandemic era? What is the norm? Do we wear masks? Can I hug you? If I am vaccinated and contract the virus, what does that mean? The uncertainty continues. Just when you think you have gotten it right, it is time to adjust again. Have no fear, there are absolutes within reach.

Presently, our collective mind is fixated on questions about non-restrictive social re-entry; Am I looking at life differently? and How do I really want to live my life? This span of separateness has given pause to our conduct and the way we socialize. Many people have found that they prefer a certain level of quiet and, not isolation, but separateness. They have found peace. Others have found that they become angsty and/or depressed when not regularly interacting with others, (face to face - not virtually). Introverts, extraverts and otherverts are vexed with the big question: When restrictions are lifted what will I do and how will I feel?

We will do what we do best. We will come together on our terms. We have been in crisis for a long time. We went from emergency status to subacute maintenance. We triaged the best we could as people complied with what they thought was right. Now, within significant numbers of American citizens vaccinated, our country, along with England, will share this opportunity with other nations. And just as we have experienced with every crisis, people are uniting. We are sharing and banding together. That is what we do.

However, there is a unique marker to this crisis’ mass unification. Our coming together is happening with a sense of trepidation. In other traumatic times, such as when the 911 attacks occurred, California’s fires consumed communities, when our schools or houses of worship were riddled with bullets, fears continued but none that marked the suspicion of everyone. Thankfully in our humanness, our current resistance to band together (or take the mask off) is often overcome by the decision to flow with familiarity and joy. The proof? Walk into most workplaces. People are very happy to be back with each other in the same place. Some people say that they are glad to see colleagues who, just over one year ago, they could not stand. As unsteady as we have been during any threat, we are strong.

Just two weeks ago, Memorial Day in places like New York City looked like St. Patrick’s Day on steroids. Bars were packed with people merging with the vibe of togetherness as they left their social drought. Upon entry, some wore masks but within a minute (or less) there was full-face exposure with a contagion of ear-to-ear smiles. (Certainly, the overflow of alcohol did not hinder the fun.) People have said that weekend was one of the best of their life. Because, yeah, I love you man.

Those who prefer to re-enter more cautiously, find less populated places to meet. Inside or outside, they may share a beverage, a meal, and/or take a closer-in-proximity walk together. These increasing social interactions include moments of hesitancy, like that first kiss on a date. People wonder if they are supposed to hug or kiss their friends hello. Many people pierce through that veil of ambivalence, jointly deciding that a hug is more that just okay. Hugging is on the rise and it seems that elbow tapping thing is vanishing as quickly as it arrived.

Then there are those who, as I said earlier, have found their peace. They remain near home more and keep their circles small. They are glad to be there and will to figure out how to continue this satisfying lifestyle in a post-pandemic world. They are not hiding, they are happy.

Have no fear. Together, as a global nation, we will answer the questions. We need to follow our natural response to trauma and our inclination to reach out, or to join others. We need to do this on our own terms and within our own comfort zones. We can do so while we remain apprised and allow for changes. We are all exploring new conditions. Together and apart we will find our synergy. Without a doubt, we will adjust and find our peace.

And yes, I made up the word otherverts.

Spring Has Sprung. Have you?

Mon, 19 Apr 2021 04:04:00 GMT

How to enjoy this spring and summer

Well, it finally happened. We have moved through the winter weather, and although it felt just out of reach, SLAMM-O the crocuses are croaking, the birds are chirping, the bees are buzzing (and you can turn your heat down). Our days have become longer. The call of spring reminds us of the freedom of lighter clothing, open-air experiences and enjoyable warm summer nights. Similar to listening to your favorite music from high school, there is something about warmer weather that brings us back to feeling good.

This is the time of year where our minds recall parts of our youth, summer vacations and time off from cool-weather living. We look forward to downtime and venturing into places that break up our daily routines. (This can be a road trip or cleaning your closet.) Your time has arrived, your t-shirt is on and you are ready for anything, which does not happen to include pandemic restrictions. Wait…what? How are you supposed to spring into spring when you are not sure what is what or where you can or cannot go?

You can have a great time, even if some of your circumstances have been removed for the time being. First, remember that your current situation is not forever. Similar to a teen enjoying summer while being grounded, many of your freedoms are still in place. (Yes, this author has been grounded.) Next, where is your focus? Is it on how beautiful it is outside or the doldrums of restriction? This is your time to get out there enjoy everything you can. You have done your laboratory time, dedicating more than a year testing different methods to best enjoy family, friends and community offerings during the covidity of our social reconstruction. Your concerns have been (and remain) valid as an abundance of mixed messages have kept you on your feet. Never the less, you are ready to define how to create a summer experience that is not only gratifying but keeps you and those around you out of harm's way. Equally as important, you need to have fun – an abundance of fun.

Note: I am not minimizing COVID’s complications and confusion. I am simply saying it is hard to know what to do when you are faced with: Wear a mask, don't wear a mask. Take a trip via airplane, don't spend time with groups in confined spaces and so on. How are you supposed to know what is safe and what is not?

What to think: Think about the situation as you would regarding anything that is complex. Normally, what do you do when you need to make sense of something? How do you strategize when there are circumstances you cannot control? Most people stop to think about what is really happening. They make a reality check. They don’t just run headlong into the issue. They look for facts or the most reliable information available. Once informed, they combine their findings with their hopeful desire. What information do you have? What do you know about the best way to enjoy the spring and summer? There is no exact science to this decision. You can only do best with what you have. That is a fact.

More on mixed messages: Whether in relationships, work/school environments or how we relate to our greater world, mixed messages result in skepticism or cynicism, both of which are based in fear. A certain amount of fear can be healthy, As it keeps us aware of things that we should avoid. However, the line to unhealthy fear is easily crossed. Ask yourself, how much time do you want to remain within the consistently inconsistent? If you don’t like that idea then establish consistency. Do not ignore what you know (or believe) but work to bring all of your thoughts, as you would with puzzle pieces, together. Create a picture of what you want to do, with what you know and take action accordingly. Life may have changed but you can still have fun. You have had the power to create consistency this entire time. Do what you know works, be open to change and enjoy the warm weather – because you can.

Absolutely! You Can Create and Fulfill New (Year) Plans

Mon, 28 Dec 2020 03:09:37 GMT

#YourResolutionsCount
Create and Fulfill New (Year) Plans!

Photo Credit: Shutterstock

Here we are again - it is another new year. Welcome to the big, long-awaited 2021! The shortest day of the year has passed, and the sun is shining a little more each day. As we look back on the last handful of months and compare them to years prior, we have worked hard; really hard. In turn, these efforts have led to the strengthening of our critical thinking and creative skills. Bottom line, we, are better problem solvers. If you think about it, without a lot of planning time, we have focused an immense amount of thought and energy to figure out how to work, school, and socialize without sacrificing each other's health. Go ahead, give yourself credit. You have changed since 2019. You are smarter and more adept than you were just one year ago. Amongst the trauma and inconvenience, these experiences have further defined who you are and you to improve the life that you want to live. So, here you are again, and just like the Babylonians who originated making promises to please the gods (and earn favor) in the new year, you are ready for better days and quality of life. To do this you need results-oriented planning.

Most importantly, know the key to successful resolutions: Create a core resolution. Every resolution thereafter should be connected to this central one. Everything you decide must be based upon a review of your experiences and being honest about what you know.

The core of the matter: It has been a year of thinking, talking, and behaving differently, and frankly, many people are tired of talking about COVID19. Yes, people are saturated and frustrated by the topic, however, we know this is a part of our social narrative. Like it or not, with the passage of time, we have evolved to where mask-wearing, smaller gatherings, and routine discussions about best health practices are commonplace. In this last year, you traveled an exceedingly difficult and undesirable road, and you are stronger that you may know. Your level of determination is admirable. Your ability to make changes is significant. This last year has proven that you have what it takes to make manageable, successful plans. With these facts in mind, you have the power to review and decide how you want your life to feel and who you want to be within it. So, make this year the one with the resolutions that stick. Here are some descriptive examples to help build resolutions that result in achievements:

Resolution #1: (Your core resolution)

This year, I will take time to recognize what is real and stop trying to change what I cannot.

Redirect your concerns and desires by reframing the situation and establishing resolve. For example, if you are resolute that COVID19 is a major influencer that challenges your routine practices, then you are steady in what you know. If that is the case, then you have a solid foundation to establish resolutions that yield results. How can you determine if you are resolute? Are you unwavering in what you know? Do all the details confirm what you believe? If so, you have an objective point of view. You are looking at facts, not the sway of subjective, emotion-packed information. A fact-based resolution is one that you can build upon – that is powerful. Creating a resolution with a firm foundation guarantees that you are steady, absolute and the results you desire are aligned with a solid mindset. Therefore, to make effective and fulfillable resolutions, you must be resolute. To be resolute is to be absolute.

Resolution #2

I want to live this year knowing that I have done my best.

Over the course of your life, you have learned so much. Last year’s social/health conditions led to insights that we may not have examined before. The year 2020 delivered lessons about how our global neighbors handle similar health threats, social situations, and commerce. We have come to firmly know that we are all important members of a world community and our response to global crises counts. Therefore, unequivocally, you are significant.

As we assess who we are, we also ask ourselves who we want to be. When we think about who we want to be, we recall our experiences and consider what we want our lives to be like. During this process, we compare ourselves to others. We use these comparisons as a measuring stick to determine who we are, why our lives are as they are and wonder what it means to do better.

Factually know what you are striving for. When you think of having done your best, think about what that means. Looking back through your life, you will find memories that guide you. Recalled experiences automatically suggests what your best (and less than best) decisions and reactions have been. This process is also accompanied by a wave of emotions related to those moments. You will also recollect the steps you took to assert more effort and focus. The recall of these emotions and steps will fuel the determination you need to create your plans and meet your new goals. You can successfully fulfill your resolution because you absolutely know what your best looks like and it makes you feel good. We do better when we feel good. You are the best. Really.

Resolution #3

I will take control of my controls and enjoy more.

At the crossroad of considering change, which is what resolutions are all about, we must be honest. We cannot challenge our old ways if we disagree. For instance, think about making changes in traditions. Since childhood, we have been steeped in the rituals of winter holidays. However, when we need to alter the plan, (which occurred in this pandemic season), we are almost lost. In our mind, the picture of enjoyable holidays includes beliefs about social gatherings and sharing. Our core beliefs are challenged when we ask questions such as, how do we enjoy the holidays if we are not together? and how can we share if we are not together? Without these holiday happenings, we are apt to become melancholy as we lament for yesteryear. These feelings could lead you through holidays that feel somewhat empty. Focusing on these questions works directly against your plans. Want to enjoy your holidays? Figure out what you can believe in and plan from there.

The way to shift this is to take ownership of what you can control. Return to your core resolution. Concretely knowing that this year will not be like others, you can believe that holidays are also about creating memories. This is something you can control - you can control making memories. How do you want to add to family and friend's memories? For example, if you are the person who always cooks for the holidays, maybe you can cook and send the food to everyone. Once you have your plan of action then you need to take the steps to follow up. As you move along, you must ask yourself what you can and cannot control. This keeps your goal in sight and achievable because you have identified what belongs to you. You can apply yourself to the tasks that lead to what you envision. All of this is supported by recognizing what is not your and letting go of the stressors that are aligned with what you cannot control. The result of which is that you will have the freedom to enjoy more.

Resolution #4

I will fixate on thoughts that take me to where I want to be.

This is not the power of positive profession. This is about keeping it real. Think about it; your life has included good memories and people who have influenced you in helpful ways. That is real. These remembrances do not have to be monumental, but they must be yours. Factually, these memories belong to you. You own them and your reality (what you believe) lives inside of them. Your beliefs are based upon, or help to define, what you perceive as fact. If you believe that you can create opportunities, you will keep your eyes open for possibilities. However, when you fixate upon what you cannot do, what you have lost, and/or what used to be, you negate the gifts and rewards of those times. Each time you fixate upon what you are unable to change or achieve, you deny the importance, and perhaps existence of your good experiences. That is like telling an elderly person that they should spend their remaining years in defeat, as it would be best to reconcile that they can no longer do what they had in their younger years. That would be criminal, don’t you agree? So, before you dismiss your supporting life moments, ask yourself which of your controls you have control of and fixate your energy on the thoughts and facts aligned with where you have decided you want to be.

The Freedom of Satisfied Resolutions

Regarding those resolutions, why aren’t we doing this all year? We, you, have so much to work with and have the power to pave life’s path. Think about the freedom in that. You are free to make these decisions and change the course of your life. How about that resolve? The only way to create fulfillable and satisfying resolutions is to become resolute (absolute) with what is undeniable. Establish a core resolution that you feel good about and build from there. You know what to do. Welcome to 2021 and happy You Year!

Thanksgiving 2020

Wed, 18 Nov 2020 03:29:35 GMT

How to make Thanksgiving 2020 one that everyone will remember...in a good way.

Thanksgiving 2020 will be a celebration like no other.

As we prepare to trade this year for a newer, shinier and less challenging one, we need to champion the COVID19 obstacles imposed upon this holiday season. This year, to make our holidays as enjoyable as possible, we need to combine all that we have known with some new twists. It is time to take our control and holidays back.

Factually, we are amidst autumn and the winter holidays are upon us. Emotionally, you may not feel the anticipation of these festive seasons, as time has meshed while we changed our routines and sheltered in place. We thought we were so slick, having the spring holidays on FaceTime, Google meet and Zoom. But there was something missing. The noise of family and friend's banter was quieted, we cooked less, no one asked, “Can you please pass the gravy?” and we ended our celebrations by saying “Well, that was better than nothing.” Little did we think that we would be back here again with new language directing the celebrations holiday limited to our pandemic pod .

The question is what will your pod and those who are no longer at your table (or you at their table) do to make the holiday season of 2020 enjoyably memorable? Let’s focus on the celebration that launches the winter holiday season - Thanksgiving.

Take inventory:

Think about your favorite Thanksgiving celebrations of the past. What was so enjoyable about those times? If your answer is that you were with family or those you care for, dig deeper. What else was happening? Did your Aunt bring her famous pie? Did you cousin tell jokes that just kept the room in stitches? Were there decorations made by children? Think....what do you remember that makes you feel good. Write these thoughts down. For the purposes of this discussion, you will need them.

Then consider the following (make notes as needed):

Rely upon what you know:

You know that Thanksgiving is the holiday of big parades. You know that from here on, and in a blink of an eye, much of the world is adorned with holiday fare. Every year our world shifts quickly from turkey shaped butter sculpture's and mounds of cranberries to evergreen trees, menorahs, and kinaras. We know there is a lot of food and leftovers. You know that your mother's stuffing is better than everybody else’s. Then there are the recipes for the leftovers, like turkey tetrazzini. You know so much!

Reconcile the facts:

You cannot change COVID19, so this year will be unlike any other. You can help to minimize the spread by being cautious. Yet, there are just some things you cannot change. But there are things you can do to alter the landscape of the season.

Become present.

Now with all of the necessary information in view, you can create a new approach to a holiday you already know well.

Merge the thoughts you gathered from your inventory (above) with the things you already know (also above). Then ask yourself what you can do to create a holiday celebration like no other. Make this Thanksgiving one that will be favorable and enjoyable for all.

Certainly, this takes effort as it is an exercise of thinking differently. Holidays always take a significant amount of energy, so, in that, all is normal. Ordinarily, we plan, shop, clean, cook, eat, clean again, smile, laugh, all while making sure the flow of the day goes well. Therefore, no matter the circumstance, there is a lot that goes into a successful holiday. So yes, this will likely be different than your past experiences, and you can do this. You have doubts? Remember, you have already done so many things to make your family, friends and neighbors feel good, time and time again. So be confident and make your mark this holiday season.

First, drop the stress. There is no need to stress over this holiday. You will get it all done. You have proved that over and again. Just like every year, you will make it happen.

A new approach to a favorite old holiday ideas:

This is written assuming that your crowd may be smaller, and/or divided into many separate smaller groups in various locations. You can pull from past holiday favorites to create experiences that can be shared by all. Try some of these ideas to make Thanksgiving 2020 one of the best:

Family recipes: Ask your Aunt to share that famous pie recipe with everyone that would generally be invited for the holiday. While eating, each pod can vote on how much that pie is like your Aunt’s. This can become the beginning of future in-person contests to see who, if anyone, has mastered the recipe. You can do this with any family recipe. No one must miss out on the flavors that make the holiday so special.

Décor: Have the younger set of the family (or anyone interested) make decorations and swap them between families and/or send them out to the separate celebration sites to ensure a well decorated holiday setting. If these are drawings, they can be scanned and emailed. If the decorations are more complex, you can mail them or provide recommended material and construction directions. During your holiday, you can share these decorations via platforms like FaceTime or Duo, shared photos, and social media platforms viewed by family and friends.

Music: Before the actual day of Thanksgiving, ask everyone that you would ordinarily celebrate with to choose songs to add to a special Thanksgiving Playlist. Once compiled, share it with your people. There are so many great songs about thankfulness.

Games and Laughter: Sign on to Zoom, Facetime, Skype or Duo to play a game. You can play games such as Charades or Two Truths and a Lie. Did you know you can have up to 32 people on a group Facetime?

Giving: Make more food than you need and donate a portion to your local homeless shelter. As COVID19 has caused new restrictions for donated items, first be sure to contact your choice of non-profit or shelter so that your offerings can be enjoyed those who are in need.

Look at you, bringing everyone and everything together. You are amazing.

Above all, remember what this is really about. Thanksgiving is about taking the time to bring people together in a spirit of gratitude and celebration of our harvest. If people could create such a memorable celebration in 1621, just imagine what you can do now - and go do it.

Frustrated and Overwhelmed? It's Time for a Change.

Tue, 06 Oct 2020 23:49:51 GMT

Control this season of your life

Fall is here and living in New England is a treat! We have the gift of seasonal change, beautiful landscaping with autumn leaves and the cozy stability found in hunkering down as the colder weather arrives. As soon as September hits we feel that chill in the air and it is reminiscent of returning to our regular routines such as school, work, community, and social commitments. October rolls in and the humidity of summer becomes a memory. Now the air is crisp, and we buy apples, pumpkins and look for that favorite sweater. This year, schools have opened, and some closed then reopened, fall recreational programs are beginning and…wait. Did I just say that summer is over? Didn't we just go through a season of behaving as if it were the winter season during the spring and summer? Although we enjoyed the outdoor weather, many people remained within their immediate environments. They were stuck at home (or work) during the time where regularly scheduled summer activities were supposed to take place. Ritual vacations, camps, recreational activities, businesses, and offices were not available or minimized. No wonder so many people report feeling out of synch and exhausted. Our lifelong routines had been altered without our permission.

The summer season allows us to regroup and recharge after the routines of the cooler months. Many people have told me that the realization of having spent much of their recharging season sheltering-in-place is extremely unsettling. Intuitively and currently, we maintain our concerns for others and ourselves by following social protocols that mask our expressions and challenge the human need for closeness. However, these actions feel counter-intuitive to our overall lives; we go out, we do things and above all, we interact. As we re-enter the time of year where this began, we arrive with an overwhelming sense of frustration and exhaustion. Inadvertently, we have swapped our season of fun and relaxation with feelings of fear and suspicion of a virus we cannot see. Countless people have told me that they are tired of being stuck at home, their family is driving them nuts, adults and kid miss their friends, teachers, peers, that guy at the market and just want out and we want our people and places back. Simply, we want this COVID19 thing to release our lives.

Overall, unless you ventured out onto the golf course or beach, the traditional rights of summer were closeted away as we sought refuge from COVID19’s rapid spread. We were relatively victorious as these new practices secured a freedom from a virus that destroys people, places and things. However, the collateral damage includes the grieve of opportunities lost. On the other hand, this crisis, (like other crises) has brought many of us together to flattening the curve, launch new products like masks with your dog’s face on it, spend more time with those we love and for those teaching at home, learn to teach children that strange method of math.

The bottom line is that we are bored and overwhelmed all at once; that is a lot to manage.

Early on forecasters projected that this pandemic’s social responses would include an increase of babies and divorces (one probably having nothing to do with the other). Since the courts remain closed or are backlogged with cases, (making divorce difficult), (and you should probably not divorce your kids, parents, siblings or room-mates), it is time to reduce the frustration of pandemic restrictions. Try these suggestions:

Tips to make life more manageable:

Look at this realistically.

This is not forever. History teaches us that there has not been one pandemic that continued forever. Somethings may change, but the pandemic will end. If you think that COVID19 is not stopping, and everyone is always in your space and you have no time alone and … (can you feel the tension building?) then it is time to check in with your self-talk, also known as your inner voice. Self-talk merges your unconscious and conscious thoughts to helps your mind to process experiences. What is your inner voice telling you? If your self-talk is negative, you will feel defeated. If your self-talk references appreciation and hope, you will feel and react as if adjustment is a part of life. Your self-talk will help you to recall how you have made it through other challenging times and you will do better than make it through. You will experience life in a way sort out the good from the bad and be able to rise above it. In the end, your self-talk helps to defines who you are and what you do.

You are a pioneer.

This is true. Until now, there has not been a time where a pandemic moved swiftly throughout the globe and people were able to remain in touch. We are able to share information, share social time face-to-face (online), work and/or be entertained. In fact, the last global pandemic took place in 1918/1919. Known as the 1918 Influenza Pandemic, about 1/3 of the world’s population (500 million people) were reported to have been infected and 50 million died, 675,000 of which occurred in the United States. None of those people were in touch, countries sharing methods for a cure was almost nil and no one was able to watch box office movies at home or share their sourdough recipe. And for whatever it is worth, they didn’t have LinkedIn, Messenger, WhatsApp, TikTok or Zoom family holidays to connect with.

Build upon history.

In 1918/1919 they did not have the medical insight or technology necessary to treat or prevent the virus, control efforts were localized to isolation, quarantine, improved hygiene, use of disinfectants and public gathering restrictions. All of which was done world-wide and with great inconsistency. It seems that we are learning from history with the incredible benefit of technology and medical research that has led us further and kept us safer than our predecessors.

The mark of a great pioneer is to build upon what history supplies as they look through the lens of future potential. They overcome significant challenges as they try new things and push the limits beyond where they have been before. You have been doing this since COVID19 altered your lifestyle. This is you!

Decrease your boredom and feelings of being overwhelmed.

People report that this boredom is due to having limited things to do. You may be stuck at home but only you can define what happens within those walls. This is exactly how you make a house a home. You envision what you want to experience and apply whatever is necessary to make it happen. Therefore, you can ruminate upon thoughts about social restrictions or change this season of your life:

Things to look forward to.

You can create a new structure at home to look forward to. For example you can create special events and challenges such as, Movie Monday, Taco Tuesday, cooking meals that are not typical, scavenger hunts with unexpected rewards at the end, etc. That new structure will give you and everyone at home something to look forward to. You are shaking it up as you make life interesting. The biproduct of this is enjoyment. If you are living with other people, they can become involved too. Innately, this will draw people together as they have a common purpose.

Separate and manage issues.

The definition of being overwhelmed includes being buried or drowning beneath a huge mass. That is exactly what it feels like. We become overwhelmed by a mass that seems too big to manage. If you separate your experiences you can address them individually. This does not deny that situations may overlap, but they are often independent of each other. If you have to work from home, school your children, meet with your doctor using an online platform that is alien to you, you can either decide that this is one big ball of wax, or you can address each independent component to create a sense of order and personal control.

It is your decision. How do you want to feel and how do you want to proceed? Do you want to swim endlessly in a swell of overwhelmed emotions and boredom, or do you want to make this a memorable time in your life where you were the pioneer? (I highly recommend pioneering. It makes you even cooler than you already are.)

Creatively Redefining the Way We Do Business

183:830819963 (Allyson Maida) — Thu, 23 Jul 2020 02:08:19 GMT

Creatively Redefining the Way Business is Done

The chat board was active with ooohs and aaaahs during Alison Margo’s recent virtual display of her fine arts photographs. Admiring spectator’s posted comments such as “Those snowy mountains are gorgeous!”. They found her work different and beautiful. Alison explained that this series of photos were designed to be out of focus. A powerful rolling wave, about to crash up against the shore, became an ill descript image of motion. The relevance of the image was confusing as viewers were unsure of what they were looking at. As they tried to make sense of what they were seeing, they knew one thing; it was beautiful art – that they could relate to. Her description of the blurred ocean wave (displayed above) took some people by surprise. However, within a moment, thoughts adjusted to what suddenly became clear. People declared, " Of course, it is a wave!". No matter the interpretation, this composition instantly became recognizable and the motion completely relevant.

Similarly, business strategy is based upon what we see and understand. Conditions are very different now, so we need to look with a new eye.

Our recent past has created a similar blurring of images that were once clear. We understood our interactions and environments. Our experiences, perceptions and insight provided us with mapping of what we should expect, challenge, and build upon. We were able to define our plans and strategize to overcome obstacles. When confronted by abstract material, our experiences provided context, and generally, we could fill in the blanks.

The evolution of our current environment requires a creative skill set that broadens our spectrum of translation. It is like going to a museum and looking at a blank canvas. We are left to interpret why this canvas is blank, attempt to decipher what the artist is trying to tell us and understand exactly why the museum would hang the piece in a prominent place. We seek these answers to provide relatability and framework. These answers establish a level of comfort that allow us to make sound decisions and actionable plans.

For instance, the turmoil of the past six months (with an emphasis on the last four) has significantly affected most people’s lives. The overarching discussion regarding quarantines, sheltering in place, and social distancing has prompted a series of partially informed decisions. Choices are often based upon evolving and often blurry information. To establish personal and community-wide control, distancing constructs remain at the forefront of the closing and reopening of communities, schools, and businesses. For the most part, people have independently designed and adhered to what they feel is appropriate for socialized settings. This has helped to define how much, and in what way, people should interact as they calculate benefits and risks. Included in this is the definition of who we are and how we manage ourselves within this new social structure. We are making decisions based upon our translation of our experiences. And with eyes on our future, we need to be sure that we design an efficient and relatable integration for our social and business reentry. We need to realign.

This repositioning is not simply about how far one desk should be from another or how thick the plastic partition should be between stylist’s salon chairs. There are small and large details to consider, yet unfortunately, everything is not clear. For instance, the new no-so-steady economic platform challenges the interpretation and translation of what we once knew. Before the proverbial wall was pulled from beneath our feet, we operated based upon the evolution of social interactions, self-direction and business practices. Our interaction, direction and protocol require change – as the image has changed. Therefore, a new interpretation of the circumstance will guide us to new best practices and better actionable plans.

We need to translate this blurry image, find that which is recognizable and come to terms with what is not. Simply, in order not be effective, we need to see this experience differently. Better, updated practices can be formed by assessing this abstract image with a new point of view. For instance, think about the difference between the early days of consulting and its progression. Once, companies insisted that consultants worked onsite to monitor accountability. Years later, consultants telecommute, require regular virtual check-ins, and apply rubrics to define measurable outcomes. Some consultants have never even been inside of the office. This is proof that we are good at adapting when we need to be. We can see and react to the image differently if we have some leading information.

As individuals and a group, we are called to become shrewder and more calculating. As we adjust to our advancing circumstances, with a keen eye and sage wisdom, we should assess the accuracy of what we are making our judgement upon. Are we actually seeing things for what they really are? If not, we risk prolonged instability. Given the right images and data, we can insight plans that maximize the minimization of our physical plants and design modalities that allow for a more efficient, effective, creative and productive workforce. Herein lies new images and strong solutions for socially responsive consumers, business communities and practices.

To drive the point home, let us use this age-old artist’s trick. Look at anything in front of you right now. Close one eye and squint with the other. Every detail in front of you will become an image of ill descript shapes. (It may take you a moment to see things in geometric shapes as your mind adjusts to what it is seeing.) What can you do with those fuzzy shapes? Do they represent something different? Suddenly you can see positive and negative space. (Negative space refers to the area around and between the primary subjects – a.k.a. positive space.) Allowing your mind to rethink this scenario, is this something new that you can create out of the spaces? How do the negative and positive spaces interact? This is how to shift our translation and use of resources. We can either continue to rely upon the translation we historically understood, or we can give a fresh definition to the genuine shape of things. This well-informed decision becomes a natural segue to beneficial restructuring.

To effectively apply this strategy, take a step back from what you are used to and allow your mind to see what is really in front of you. With your goals in clear sight, assess your situation as if you are experiencing it for the first time. Then, interject relatable (existing) information and develop a strategy that is outfitted with objectives that correspond with your goals. Remember, the translation of experiences dictates response and can lead to places that you had not previously imagined.

Image use granted by photographer and visual storyteller, Alison Margo. www.alisonmargo.com

Dr. Allyson Maida is a business development consultant, psychotherapist, entrepreneur, author, and speaker located in Westport, Connecticut. She frequently works with businesses, large and small, to redirect integrative strategies to meet market demands and corporate goals. Additionally, she is an Associate Adjunct Professor at St. John’s University in New York where she teaches criminal justice courses and social science courses such as Victimology. She is known for her insightful approach, innovation, thought-provoking written works, presentations, humour and commitment to justice and transformation. She can be contacted at Allyson@AllysonMaida.com

For Your Well-being: Lessons from the Phases of COVID-19

Wed, 20 May 2020 03:22:54 GMT

If I knew then what I know now...

In what would ordinarily be considered a brief period, nine weeks, we have experienced more change than some societies have seen in a lifetime. Most of these adjustments do not align with the beliefs and plans we have made for our lives. Here, I present to you an outline of this time, some effects upon our lives and thoughts to reconcile these experiences to make sure our well-being is intact.

The Phases of COVID-19: March 23, 2020 or whatever day that was.

Amongst the critical issues within this COVID-19 season, is the important discussion about well-being, which may otherwise be referred to as mental and physical health. With regards to mental health, there is a tendency to think it primarily refers to chronic and severe struggles. This is a fallacy. That is like saying heart health means you have heart disease. On the contrary, mental health and any other type of health is about strength and weakness. As this new chapter of global history unrolls, the direct and collateral effects of, what I now call, *covidity has established a presence in most aspects of our lives. As this virus persists, the overall response to sheltering-in-place has left a trail. Broken down into week-long phases, we have the chance to assess our responses and regulate behaviors that best impact our well-being and future. Although the dates from different locations vary, the behavioral phases seem to be the same. Understanding these phases provides a map to how we have reacted and in what ways we can assert control of our emotions, reactions and outlooks and day-to-day lives.

The first week of sheltering in place was wrought by forming thoughts and plans guided by constant streams of news and editorials. Since December 2019, people were sick and dying from an invisible rival. Data driven information suggested that we could “flatten the curve” if we hunkered down, wore face masks and gloves that were once the regalia of medical staff. We were now all responsible for each other’s health – not just our own. Some people felt that this maximalist response was unwarranted while others listened and acted dutifully. There was confusion as we moved from caution to potential quarantine, with a shift in how people operated at home, school and business. Online meetings significantly increased as the greater number of people fumbled their way through signing in, signing on and staying on. Zoom was becoming a household word. The surge to buy paper goods and hand sanitizer had a second wave. There was a push back against both disbelief and belief in viral power. Global neighbors reached out through social media to explain their experiences and convince mankind that coronavirus was nothing to be trifled with. A sense of seriousness filled the air, as we learned that market visits and other essential routines would suddenly decrease or cease to exist an undetermined period of time.

Although uncomfortable, week two brought both panic and a little relief. We began to feel like this pandemic was real and truly alter life as we know it, sheltering-in-place was somewhat novel as people worked to find their footing. It was a marker for the generations who had lived during the year 2020. You lived through the great depression? I lived through the COVID-19 global crisis. We learned about every pandemic the world has experienced and what a pandemic is and is not. New routines began to take hold: at-home schooling, how to position your work computer so everyone thinks your house is gorgeous and you really don’t have that pile of clothing behind you, and shopping with safety gave shallow peace of heart as we began to reticently elbow bump with the “new normal”. There was more home cooking, more baking and wondering if the effects of COVID-19 were similar to the Freshman 15. Nevertheless, there remained a desire for the virus to pass so we could get back to our lives.

Week three saw a rise in frustration. People began talking about the surprising grief over the loss of in-person social connections and time spent in our routine places such as work, the park, the rest of the neighborhood, and the store. We found ourselves thankful for connectivity even if that was while standing near, but far enough away, from someone else while pumping gas or talking a walk. We wondered if it we were correctly socially distanced if we took a walk with a friend. Morning smiles to neighbors or store employees was a thing of the past, as you cannot see beyond the mask. We yearned for answers and adjusted as we knew best. Online social media kept us connected as increasing numbers of people created TikTok accounts to share and inspire others. Liquor stores remained essential providing contact free sales as the number of online happy hours taking place. Restaurants did the same providing curbside service and increasing their delivery perimeters. Social media continued to fill the gap left by minimized person-to-person opportunities. No problem though, we said, we have got this and so do our front-line workers. We continued to stand on our balconies, roofs and leaned from our windows cheering, singing and knowing that we were alone together.

Week four saw increased anxiety, a stark realization that normally viruses may stay for a couple of weeks or so and then go away. This was not going away. We reminisced about and continued to soak in the information from a myriad of news reports and commentaries. We tried to reason through as conflicting information continued. Conspiracy theorists rejoiced as this was a sign of hidden information and past prophetic utterances, while others realized that there were fewer solid answers than we had hoped for. Either way, we would work to remain as informed as possible. Children continued to need explanations for not being able to go out and play. Together, we all realized that we had come so far, some hospitals were overrun while others were not, you could make an origami bandana out of your scarf, the need to sanitize your hands and items increased sales in grain alcohol. We thought that maybe we had found our temporary groove in this life of rocky terrain. Some considered that perhaps this new way of living is more efficient and just plain smarter. Business expenditures decrease when employees work from home (under the roof that the employee pays for). And finally, ventilator productions had increased so that more people could be saved. So much good and so much bad sits upon the shoulders of all who bare it and for some, the burden was becoming too much. While others became rigid so they could stand strong.

Week five was somewhat alarming. Responsibly isolated, Zooming through our day and Netflixed, YouTubed and Amazon Primed through our night, exasperation increased as some blurted out, I can’t take this anymore. How long am I supposed to stay in like this? This is too scary. I am done. Okay, I am not done but when is this going to end? Despair began to finally show its face, anxiety and depression took a greater stance while others remained determined to continue joy and meaning within the world. Consistent with findings of past non-COVID-19 related studies, such as that in the book Death and Despair, the stressors of economic uncertainty, an affront to the promises of the American Dream and suicide securely all held hands as they have during this pandemic experience . Our well-being was now in question as reports of suicide and poor mental health were on the rise. The avenues where we once blew off steam were significantly narrow, leaving many people with the need to invent new opportunities to feel good. Fears narrowed in concert with the consistency of inconsistent information, shifting dates and strategies for re-openings, loss of work, the need to redefine graduation, wedding and new baby celebrations and concerns with how to most respectfully bury our dead. Conformation in a recent KFF poll, (March 2020), found that seven-in-ten Americans feel their lives have been disrupted by the coronavirus outbreak. With this, forty-five percent of American adults stated that their mental health has been negatively affected by COVID-19’s collateral strain of worry and stress. So yes, we should be concerned about the rise in unsettling thoughts and feelings that intensify during long periods of stress. It is one thing to feel the thrill of risk and the unknown. This pandemic experience is neither a trek through the mountains or an amusement park rollercoaster ride. As a species, we like to have some control. As one person said to me, “The rhythm of the earth is off.”

Week six was inundated with government announcements to gear-up for gradual re-entry to the life that we had distanced ourselves from. We plan on gradually returning to the life we knew – except is will not be as we knew. You will need to wear masks. There are designer masks, N95 masks, face shields and we dispute who is to wear which and why. As we are presented with re-entry, our minds are filled with the things we used to do, much of which we took for granted. We have begun to soften the lines as we see ourselves getting out. The minute that the weather is nice we modify social distancing to whatever works as we walk on the beach or city street. Some people hold their breath as others walk by. The term new normal has become aggravating because this is not normal, it threatens the dreams for our lives. We will not stand at least 6 feet apart for ever and we will have celebrations with more than 5 people. Restaurants may open with minimal seating capacity. (Have you seen the tiny greenhouse structures used by the Mediamatic restaurant in Amsterdam? Add climate control and it is brilliant.) And you had better have your hairstylist or barber’s personal cell phone number if you want one of the first appointments. (Be sure to tip them well if you can. They have been out of work). New cultures are emerging such as the social distancing culture secured by the enforcement of social snitches. Yes, that is right, just ask the police, they get the calls. This group of COVID-19 informants have earned the moniker COVID-Stasi (Stasi, as in East Germany’s secret police). Coronavirus’ handling and opinion pool has been steadily politicized. Political party preference demarcates what you will or will not believe about the origin and management of the coronavirus. Children are enjoying the new creative approach of education by their parents. Bonding differently with their children while dinner conversations have become more interesting, parents have an insider’s understanding of their children’s course content. Parents who are still working in the hospital or police force, or anywhere that will leave scars or PPE (personal protective equipment) abrasions on their face, remain beyond grateful for relatives that have jumped on to the childcare and at-home schooling train. As we gear up for re-entry, we are like a space capsule just hoping that we land in the best position. It’s forward motion with a dollop of all things nerve-racking.

As of May 4, 2020, we began week seven . We remain hard-pressed to know what to do. We hate to believe that it may be necessary to adjust our old routines for approximately two years in order to outsmart and bring this virus to its knees. Our scientists have moved with alacrity and dispatch as they develop protocols and have vaccines clinical trials in place. More so now, we are struggling to shelter-in-place. Corporations say if you can go to the beach during the week, (as people have crowed some beaches), you can go to the office. The millennial chant of I will not live to work has become a greater social narrative. Some folks will move from the city to find solace in the suburbs, while others will leave their burb homes as they move to the city to downsize and simplify. Thankfully, Homeland Security deemed real estate agents as essential in week two, so the timing is perfect. Businesses and individuals are asking mental health professional how to best emotionally manage the infodemic and constant streams of COVID-19 related news. (Yes, infodemic is a term that was create during the SARS epidemic in 2003.) The memes and GIFs have been viral since week one. We know that this situation has resulted in good and bad outcomes. The bad is evident in loss of life, illness, economic trauma and the like. However, we have greater clarity about that which we took for granted. Now we have designs on how we will live more meaningful, quality-filled lives. Week seven has ushered in the pervading thought that we are over this and ready to get back to life. A friend forwarded this Tweet by @JeffKasanoff on the last day of week six: “Very American to decide we are bored with COVID and therefore it is over.” Yes, historically (and generally) this is us. Can’t wait to see what happens by later this week and then next. Put on your seat belts, I think this ride is not over.

Week eight true boredom has set in. We want to go out and back to our “normal” places. We are bored and that is frustrating. There is more to say about this week, but as of this writing it is now week 9 and 1 day . It is May and people are out in bounds, often not wearing masks, not wearing gloves, closer than 6 feet apart, frustrated and just wanting it to end already. There are also ample discussions about the good realizations and biproducts of this experience, true quality family time, understanding what children are actually learning in school, having time to pursue long-awaited interests and a return to a simple-less strained lifestyle.

Remain Connected and Intact : These past handful of weeks have provided us with ample information to help us to navigate this untimely and uninvited course of events. Fairly, people are exhausted and lost. Like the basic Elizabeth Kubler-Ross five stages of grief outline, we are moving through a process to reconcile loss and learn to live successfully within a new set of unwanted circumstances. Just as this grieving process suggests, our emotional responses ebb and flow between denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, all of which increases anxiety and leads to understanding and reconciliation. We need not forget that most grieving people do best when in touch with others who know about their circumstances. So, reach out (figuratively speaking) and touch someone (also figuratively speaking). Call, text, meet online, leave a contact-free gift at their door. Anything to remind you and them to evoke the feelings of being connected. Do things that are healthy and feeling okay…or better than okay.

There are many good places to divert our attention to such as: your preferred form of self-care, home-grown efforts to support those working on the front lines, or ways to assist neighbors who are without resources, food or fear that their electricity will be shut off due to lack of payment. There are children’s efforts that need our adult support to deliver their youthful goodwill, such as: Bake Back America and banging on pots and pans at 4 pm on a prescribed day, so a community of children can hear the percussive sounds of their distant peers. Even in this short -term socially distanced society, we can join each other. We can send messages, leave toilet paper at someone’s door to say, “You are not alone. I am here.” If you know of someone who is discouraged, unable to find comfort in the fact that things like viruses do not last forever, reach out to them, or someone who may know them, to help them bridge the gaps between yesterday, today and tomorrow; because we need to keep our well-being in check today and tomorrow.

*covidity (noun) refers to COVID (noun), the virus, establishing a state of being that effects various facets of life such, but not limited to, as emotional, economic, environmental and academic well-being. (Yes, created this term, so add neologist or wordsmith to my resume.)

About the Author : Dr. Allyson Maida, CEO of ACM Resources, Inc., is an accomplished psychotherapist, entrepreneur, transformational performance coach, corporate and small business advisor, author and speaker. She is also an Adjunct Professor at St. John’s University in New York where she teaches criminal justice courses such as Victimology and Intro to Cybercrime. She is known for her mindful approach, noteworthy innovation, thought-provoking written works, presentations, humor and her commitment to justice, kindness and strength. She can be contacted at Allyson@AllysonMaida.com. Website: www.AllysonMaida.com

Game On! Following the Long-time Example ofSucceeding in Social Distancing

Wed, 15 Apr 2020 03:22:54 GMT

Hats off to everyone who has transitioned
from face-to-face lives to living (and working) on-line. This has been a
difficult time for everyone as we have had to almost suddenly make changes that
had one month ago been completely unimaginable. That is the word, unimaginable.
Beyond historical discussions of bioterrorism, you wouldn’t have thought we
would be all alone together.

This is not bioterrorism; this is a virus and
this virus is doing its job perfectly. Viruses exist to infect, find a host
cell and spread, which is exactly what the coronavirus is doing. In our effort
to terminate this virus, we have established new terminology such as shelter in
place, self-quarantine, social distancing and super-spreader. In what may seem
like a heartbeat our lives have changed. Conversations and focus have narrowed
in on how to move from working and socially interacting in close physical
proximity to sheltering in place, while we socialize (and if we are fortunate,
work) autonomously solely using technology. Commutable distances are no longer
an issue. We can do it all – or most of it – from here. Within this brief and
frenetic period how often have you heard; we have no idea how to do this.
There is no format for everyone one of us staying in and doing so much online.
How long can we stand meeting in this way? Is there etiquette? What is this? Weeks
into the spread of COVID-19, we are adjusting and finding our groove, but these
behaviors are new to us. Actually, that is not true. It is only new to some of
us.

The answers to many of our questions lie
within the world of gaming and those who play. You read that right! Gamers have
the playbook for the best methods to live and work successfully in an online,
techno driven society. Gamers are known for following instructions really well
and gaming a natural boon when interviewing for a job. This group is generally,
but not exclusively, comprised of digital natives, born after 1991 (the advent
of the internet and PC). Gamers are the folks who play video games; some purely
for down-time recreation and some are Pro Gamers (Professional Gamers).
Historically, greater society tends to cast aspersions upon things they do not
understand, such as those young folks who endlessly stream movies and
made for media production series, buy most everything online (including toilet
paper), and play video games for hours and hours and hours.

Comments and questions about Gamers include: They
sit in front of that screen for so many hours that you barely see them. Like
hermits, they do not leave their rooms (or their screens). How can they be
okay? How can they have friends? How will they succeed in the bigger world? How
can they connect to people if they are not interacting? They are growing up and
playing games. Where is the productivity in this? Why are they still playing
games and do they all really drink Mountain Dew? All of these comments and
questions have reasonable (and in our current state) very helpful answers. In
our current COVID driven state, we need to efficiently and effectively assess
our needs, define our desires, shift our gears, and steady a course of action
that is based upon successful outcomes. Where is our north? In the behaviors
and practices of the gaming community.

There are unexpected parallels between our
current COVID state of affairs and the gaming community. Relatively, we have
the need to communicate with others using providers/programs that many have not
heard of before. Only a matter of weeks ago, you may have texted, messaged,
emailed, used Instagram, Facebook and Pinterest to bring your thoughts across
to others. Some communications were personal, and some meant for a greater
group. Now we are having family gatherings, business meetings, academic classes
and let’s not forget the growing happy hour via Zoom, Skype, Slack, Microsoft
Teams, WebEx and Fuze.

For most people, it is all so new, confusing,
exciting (when digital immigrants finally get it to work). Overall, most people
are just beginning to figure it out. Yet for at least three decades, Gamers
have been using programs such as Skype, Discord, Twitch, Roll20, and games played live with others online, such as Massive Multiplayer Online Games (MMO). There are methods and nuances to
spending significant periods of time with others online. Bari Maida, of BM
Scribbles, is an artist who streams online, in order to remain amongst others
as she frequently works alone. This gives her a chance to interact with others
while she promotes her work. Some people attend to hang out with a group of
people and some clients who commission her can watch their piece come to life.
Her advice: “If there is something that you do not want broadcasted, do not do
it or say it during a virtual meeting. Not only will it be experienced by those
in the session, it can easily be shared on the internet by someone in the
meeting. There are already so many incriminating examples of what not to do
during a Zoom meeting.”

Games like World of Warcraft, Runescape,
Maple Story, Final Fantasy XIV, Fortnite, Team Fortress II, Neverwinter and
the recently released Animal Crossing: New Horizons have been the gateway
for people to gather in groups of any size, at any time, and for any purpose,
(which includes just hanging around seeing what is happening in the environment
and talking to others if you feel like it). There are also games that support
smaller groups and do not provide options to interact beyond specific game
designs. (This is exactly what we do in “regular” life). Sometimes our
circumstances call for a lot of people and sometimes it does not. Sometimes we
have to meet with one other person, meet the goal and get it done. Although the
previously named games also qualify, games such as Rocket League, FIFA 18,
Madden NFL 19, NHL 19, WWE 2K19, MBA Jam and Mario Kart Racing have ample
players who can explain how to remain within these environments (in front of a
screen) for lengthy periods of time.

Gamers have taught us that it is not the corner or penthouse office or the length of our commute but the quality of our efforts that counts. Just sign up and sign in with the platform that is
designed to bring you to your goal. Gamers have effectively established that
regular or lengthy online interaction supports people who want to gather and
chat, hangout to not be alone, meet challenges, build sportsmanship, find
motivation, do huge boss battles (fight one really strong enemy that you cannot
fight alone - we have all been here before in some way), explore the world
together (in gaming that is specific to the game of interest - outside of
gaming that is something we can do together online) and create game tools
(a.k.a. in-game) that might be helpful for other players (that sound like
working together to help build the greater good).

Genuine relationships form and grow as
interactions become socially familiar. Sometimes, you are introduced to someone
through a friend or you may meet in gatherings (similar to meeting at a party
or event). Because the response time is quick and often in real time, banter
can increase to deeper conversations. In turn, some of those conversations lead
to authentic friendships and collaborations. Think of it like a hyped-up
version of the pen-pal system, except way faster. You may be on a path where
your network expands very quickly, and you might make some new friends along
the way.

According to Emil Bodenstein, CEO of Alpha
North Sports & Entertainment, the host of Gamerz Arena tournaments, there is good
news. You are a Gamer if you use your phone to play anything; CandyCrush,
Scrabble, Words with Friends. You may also be surprised to know that AARP reports that in the U.S. alone, 44% of people over 50 years old play games online for an average of five hours a week. That means
there are at least 50 million adults who are Gamers. You can even play MMO
puzzle games. Yes, you. You are equipped for this new world and you can do this.

The Playbook:

Many people do not feel comfortable entering an unfamiliar situation. It is like walking into a
party and not knowing anyone. Ask a Gamer to assist you – they know all about
this party. Here is some of their advice:

Whether you are one of the 50 million Gamers over 50 or you have no experience, the
gaming community has a playbook to help you find comfort and success while
living, working and spending so much time online.

A thought to maybe tack on to elaborate: "It's just like
entering a room of people; you can see them all, and they can all see you. It
may be through a screen, but you are still actively spending time with
people."

Make sure you have everything that you need to spend long periods of time in front
of your computer. Food, drinks, files, books….

Be healthy! As time goes on, do not buy into the stereotypical couch potato Gamer
trope. Every time you reach a certain platform or marker in your online day
stop, drop and plank (Come on...you are wearing pajama pants. You can do this
or downward dog or something). There are a lot of examples provided by Gamers

on the web about this.

Be relevant. Join the discussion. Once you sign on, say hello to everyone. This is
polite, shows you are participating and verifies that your system is working
correctly.

What type of perception do you want to give to those who see you? Keep in mind you
are in a new environment – you are NOT in your professional office. You are
probably somewhere in your home. If there is laundry hanging behind, that may
not be consistent with your professional persona. You do not have to redecorate
but you may want to aim your computer in a direction that makes you
comfortable. Everyone can see what your camera sees.

Know who is in, or may enter, then room: Recently, while teaching a class, a young
woman walked behind the student, to finish getting dressed. She did not seem to
realize that the student was involved in an online video class. Understand what
the routines are in the space you chose. If it is 7 am and someone is making
smoothies, that is what everyone will hear (or see) unless you are on mute and
turn off the camera if it is time to get dressed.

Although you can temporarily turn off your camera without
leaving the call, please don't do it often. It's disruptive and distracting to
turn your camera on and off a lot (as your portion of the screen goes black
each time you turn it off). The mute button, however, is usually a soundless
and unnoticeable switch to turn on and off.

The simple things matter. Know where the video and audio buttons are so that you
can mute yourself while others are speaking. This will also decrease the
chances of audio feedback. Many workspace platforms also allow you to mute your
video, giving you a chance to scratch your head – or whatever you need to –
without distracting others. If you wouldn't do
it in an in-person meeting, don't do it in an online meeting unless you really
have to. If that's the case, turn the camera and/or mic off for the duration
and return when ready.

The more you connect with others, the less alone you feel – because you are not
alone. You are with everyone in that room (albeit virtual) in real-time. If
they sneeze, you say Bless you and they say thank you, just like
you are in the same physical room.

Have respect for others in the room. Some may not move as fast as you, or maybe you
are not moving along as fast as others. Once you have all found your comfort
zones, the learning curve will shift, and you will all work as a team – or in
your assigned roles.

Generally, online communities are supportive. They understand that everyone is basically
there for a similar reason. If there is someone that is being inappropriate,
you can contact a member of the team (or room) separately to discuss it. Then
the correct protocols can be followed without public harassment and discomfort
to the greater group. This also keeps group discussions on course.

Like anything in life, like changing from
whole milk to 1%, you will eventually get used to it and then the new thing is
the one you prefer. Once you have been on that road for a little while,
intrigue, confidence and comfort increase. Do not fear, the Gamers are here,
and they have got you. None of this means that you should reach out to
strangers who are good at gaming. Just like off-line life there are good people
and others with bad intentions. So be smart and remember that we all know
someone (or know someone who knows someone) that is trustworthy. A friend, grandchild,
trusted acquaintance, colleague, they know the play. Reach out and ask a trusted
Gamer for advice, they really know what they are talking about and can help to
guide your way. After you find a comfortable space in your home and use the
technology a few times, your level of familiarity will grow. The more you
connect the easier it becomes. You own this trend.

How to effectively and compassionately talk with your child about crisis such as the corona virus

Thu, 26 Mar 2020 03:22:54 GMT

##GetAheadSlowTheSpread

Now that people have found a bit of their footing as they develop
new ways of doing things (such as schooling on-line and staying home instead of
running from one chore to the next) let’s revisit thoughts on how to with speak
our children about things that we do not fully understand.

We have no idea how long the effects of this pandemic are
going last - which comes with a side bar of unknowing – the auto-trigger for
fear and anxiety. There are few things less stressful that not knowing the
critical details about things that effect your life. There are tons of thoughts
and questions that arise in a period such as this, one of which, is making a choice
between living with acceptance versus living in overt fear. Why? Because your
fear and anxiety are felt by others, yes…that includes your children.

Wait, before you make a face and say to your screen,
What? Accept what??? This is not acceptable! If I accept what is happening,
then I am not taking on the task of doing my best. Am I not supposed to feel my
feelings? You want me to lie to my children and teach them mediocrity? They
need to know the real-world and this is real life. Grrrrrr. (Nice growl, by
the way.) Please let me continue.

I am not saying any of those things. This discussion is
about managing fear, anxiety and all that comes along with it. This is where
you take your feelings and concerns and re-bottle them so that your child can
understand and make better decisions within their developmental space.

You may understand why the stores are closed, your kids cannot
go to the mall or the playground or their friend’s house. Maybe your children
say they understand, when in actuality they don’t. Maybe they do not have the
wisdom to fully comprehend all that is happening within today’s world. With
that said, how can you help them to truly feel okay? (“Okay” because none of
this is much fun, which doesn’t feel good.)

Not only was this world unprepared for how to manage the
COVID-19 virus, but there is no universal parenting handbook. NO HANDBOOK MEANS
WE ARE NOT FULLY PREPARED. THERE ARE NO UNIVERSAL DIRECTIONS. Therefore, just
like the scientists who are working toward containment and a cure, we need to
look at what we know, learn and apply from there. We all know that acceptance
plays a role that creates stability and assurance. No, I am not saying that
you should accept what is happening and go about life as you had in the past. I
am saying that we should look at what we do know, accept that “it is as it is”
and build upon that concept while looking to improve our circumstances.

Therefore, when speaking with your children about current
conditions and what they may experience, please remember that they are hearing
and interpreting from where they are developmentally. They may seem mature at
times but are not mini adults. They are growing towards adulthood, but they are
not there yet.

Avoidance creates
more stress

Avoiding the discussion only increases anxiety. Of course,
there are better times to discuss things than others, so be considerate of your
timing when approaching sensitive topics. Yes, you will spend time worrying
about what to say and how to say it, but you can do this. Keep in mind, the
longer you wait the more information you child picks up for other sources.
Beginning with pre-school ages (on up), our children will experience discussions
via children’s programs, social media, telephone-based and online discussions,
overhearing the adult’s discussions, the news, etc. Take the time to talk to
your child, no matter their age. They look to you for control and safety. Whether
in a sticky social circumstance or in the moment of crisis, their fear will be calmed
by your insight, sound words, love, confidence, a knowing smile, kiss and/or
hug.

You know your child’s personality, reactions and how they
best respond. You also know how to explain circumstances and procedures to them.
(Remember, you successfully taught them how to share with other kids and how to
stop eating spaghetti with their hands.) Keep the instructions and discussions
simple, but not so simple that you gloss over important details that are age
appropriate. Also, do not speak to them with “lingo”, acronyms, terminology or
codes that they may not understand. For instance, if you say “lockdown” and
don’t define that word, they may misinterpret the concept. This could lead them
to thinking that if they get sick, they will be locked-up somewhere – that is
scary. Listen to how it sounds. Say it aloud: Our town is on lockdown.
Depending upon the age of the child, they could picture your townsfolk being
incarcerated. Who knows where their imagination will take them? So be careful
and be specific without going overboard. Explain issues like what social
distancing is and why some people are wearing masks. You may find opportunities
for greater discussions and life lessons while talking about things like why
there are so many empty shelves in the supermarket or why stores and parks are
closed. Although you are discussing facts, you are telling a story and
prompting explorative thinking. No matter our age, we can follow and remember a
story. That story can help to develop our reasoning and creative thinking. Again,
try to remember that they interpret the story according to how they perceive
things developmentally and experientially.

Speaking of
Development and Trust…by Age and School Grade Category

Preschool/Daycare/Nursery School: (Ages 2 – 5) I am learning
how to speak, behave, play, learn and deliberately make my body (and face)
move. So many things are brand new for me. I am curious and testing the waters
to learn how things, other people and animals also function and respond. I am
comparing details that are available to me to figure things out, so feel free
to use examples that I will understand to help me learn more. And don’t forget,
I love acceptance, approval and reassurance and will follow your emotional lead.

Kindergarten – 3rd grade: (Ages 5 – 8) I
do well when telling and hearing stories that are relatable and relevant to
what I have experienced. I am learning about who I am, how I relate to others
and fit in. My mind is filled with imagination, I understand symbolism and
grasp that there is a past and a future. I need regular assurance, acceptance
and do well with your positive direction.

4th grade – 5th grade: (Ages 9 – 10) I am more
aware of social dynamics and complications. I understand external events and am
no longer solely focused on my needs. I understand that other people have
feelings and that opinions differ. This is also where boys and girls pair off
to their peer groups, and unlike years prior, the boys continue to actively play
on the playground while girls tend to gather in friend groups and chat. I need
to be validated and gently directed to help me see how and where I belong.

6th grade - 8th grade: (Ages 11 –
13) I am grown up and I am not grown up. I am using logic to solve
problems. I am going through puberty; my hormones are all over the place and I
can be more sensitive than may seem reasonable. My self-sufficiency is growing,
and I understand that life is changing. I want to be accepted and am beginning to
establish my greater sense.

9th -
12th grade: (Ages 14 – 18) I regularly increase my use
and understanding of logic and problem solving. I understand how to manage uncomfortable
situations and as I move through adolescence, balance black and white thinking
with abstract thoughts. This helps me to consider new thoughts and solve
problems. As my logic grows, I challenge the ideals of others and often get
caught in the emotions of group thinking. I am working on my independence but still
deeply rely upon the guidance of trusted adults, role models and parents.

College years: I am moving into adulthood. My concerns turn
to increasing my education, creating an income, life experience, understanding of
how the world works and my place within it. I am challenged by new hormonal
shifts, seeing how I fit into a bigger world and the strain that accompanies
achievement. At the same time, I struggle with becoming independent and
releasing the simplicity of childhood. I am confident but find myself afraid as
I do not know everything. I may seem very mature but do not forget, I look to
you to simplify complex problems and believe that your insight makes my life
stable.

Bringing the message
home

Stories with details need to be age appropriate. For
instance, reading Atlas Shrugged as a bedtime story to a 5-year-old will
probably not work so well. They cannot relate to the language and although they
can understand the greater concept when simplified, they would need a lot of
explanation to make the story relatable. Keep it age appropriate. Anxiety and
fear are often translated through over talking – so be careful to involve your
children in the discussion. Present information and ask open-ended questions
such as, “So, what do you think about…?” to be sure that you can hear their
thoughts and do not decided that you know what they are thinking. Let them lead
you to their concerns, thoughts and feelings so you can provide confident,
considerate and relatable answers. These discussions may be very short – don’t
push it. You will know when your child has gotten the point and talked about
this enough. You will see it in their eyes and body language (Their eyes will
basically glaze over or they will be regularly distracted.) You can also
revisit and reinforce these discussions again later. Confidence, relatability and
trust are key.

Allyson Maida, Ed.D., LCSW is a psychotherapist,
entrepreneur, author and speaker located in Westport, Connecticut.
Additionally, she is an Adjunct Professor at St. John’s University in New York
where she teaches criminal justice courses. Many, many, many years of
experience helps her to write innovative, educational, sometimes humorous, thought-provoking
articles to overcome life’s challenges. Some of her other written works can be
found at www.AllysonMaida.com. She can be contacted at Allyson@AllysonMaida.com.

Anti-Viral Strategies. Decrease Anxiety. Build Strength. Together.

183:830819963 (Allyson Maida) — Tue, 17 Mar 2020 23:23:58 GMT

#GetAheadSlowtheSpread

It is no stretch to say that we live in tumultuous times. It is easy to be swept up in the conversations of today that are saturated with unrest and rapt with unknowing. In a day where there is growing fear and increasing concern about social, economic, environmental and medical issues there are few ways to escape the vibrations of group think. These echoing messages are built upon both fact and fiction. Even where there is truth, we must remember that truth evokes opinions and emotions – this is where our inner feedback and behavioral responses take a turn. This turn is sometimes for the best and sometimes not. It is here that we are best advised to peek out from behind our emotional screen and look to the facts so that we can make objective, well-informed decisions.

A few steps to guide your way:

l
Lean toward what is instinctual but be smart. Be calculating: Above all, as a race we are designed to survive. So, let’s do that and let’s do that well. If you look to the greatest strategists for how to live as normally as possible during a health crisis that calls for the redirection of schedules and behaviors, they would tell you to take your information, create an action plan, consider the implications and benefits, maintain balance, chart a course supported by sound beliefs and actions and act accordingly.

Understand and find control: Self-directing, (literally directing yourself) is best guided by knowing where and why you are going somewhere. With the corona virus in mind: I am going to the market and will wear gloves while shopping. I will not go into a crowded environment. I will wear a mask. I will stay home. Why would you make these decisions? Are they based upon fear or fact? Fear has its place as it keeps us protected. Fact gives us the information needed to make solid, effective decisions. There is also something bigger happening, we are naturally creating a unified approach to decreasing the opportunity for the virus, and other communicable medical issues, to spread. Unified informed decisions = true control.

Be a team player: The majority of the actions, recommended by the World Health Organization, the Center for Disease Control and government are primarily about prevention. In a day where the world is fighting against something that they don’t totally understand, we are called together to create a solution. There is power in numbers. Whether you live in Italy and create heart-warming unity while singing together with others from your balconies or embrace and extend gratitude in Spain while clapping your hands in a thunderous roar of thanks for health care workers, or you are working hard to stay ahead of the curve in America by minimizing your time in public or spending endless hours researching in the lab, you have become a part of the local and global team. Teams work best when they are well coordinated and understand the goal and strategy to get there.

Emotion is almost as good as fact: Almost is the key word. Emotions can cause positive and negative circumstances. When we feel good (which includes feeling good about our concerns) our emotions drive us to do things that make us feel better, such as doing things for others. Emotions can also get the best of us, where we become lured and trapped, as we are guided by our (often fear filled) knee jerk reactions. It is always smart to check in with ourselves as increased emotions, good or bad, often amplify our reactions and may inadvertently dismiss the bigger picture. Like to shop? Did you buy a ton of toilet paper and latex gloves? Or did you buy extra but leave some for others? Are you the passionate type who loves to post on social media? Are your posts informative and supportive or have they become intense and authoritative? Glued to the news, are frustrations at home building as you speak back to our televised leaders or are you, your family members and community using the information to create supportive and deliberate plans to #GetAheadAndSlowTheSpread. All of these behaviors (as examples) play a role in how life will go. As a team, we need to keep the goal in sight and be concerned with balance so that we can do our best and reap the rewards. Bottom line: Don’t panic. Stay informed. Make decisive and deliberate decisions. Find and exercise balance.

Reduce Your Stress: The last decade or so has be inundated with messages of the need for self-care and stress reduction. This is not the time to throw that out of the window. Even if you are self-quarantined, take a few minutes to meditate, pray, groom your plants, and/or rearrange that thing in the closet that has been on your mind. Even if you are sick you can take a moment to think of things that brings you joy – like great memories and the people or circumstances involved. Your brain is working just as it was before the virus, so it responds well to the thoughts and feelings of accomplishment and joy. In turn, your body reacts positively. Strengthening your body and mind is very important at this time. The great news is that it does not take a lot to do this. It simply takes deliberate thinking. If you are healthy and everything but the virus is going well, you can add to the best of circumstances by doing something that makes you and others feel good. All of that good, all of this prevention, all of our research and unyielding efforts to bring this unhealthy situation to its knees is the making of a smart, strong, unified, healthy world.

Be Happy

183:830819963 (Allyson Maida) — Wed, 05 Feb 2020 00:47:03 GMT

Identify the feelings that you are have and the emotions you prefer to feel.

How are you? How are you feeling today? These questions seem generally benign but when you stop to think about it, what are people actual asking you?

According to a 2017 study published in the Proceeding of the National Academy of Science , there are 27 categories of emotions. To quickly focus in on what emotions, you are feeling and how you would prefer to feel I prefer these questions: How do you want to feel? What do you want to experience?

Many people talk about wanting to be happy. Happiness is an outcome of other feelings. Happiness is a derivative of satisfaction. When you are satisfied everything just seems right. Therefore, with whatever your answers to these two questions are, ultimately you are looking to be satisfied in an area of your life.

How do you become satisfied? Let’s go in backwards and think about what might make you happy. Do you need someone or something to change for you to feel happy? Unfortunately, there is just so much that other people can do to bring you consistent happiness (which results in a lack of satisfaction). Yes, it would be great if your kids stopped leaving a mess or your favorite person would take the time to be with you more often or the person you love could love you even more. However, if you don’t change none of this have a lasting effect. It is not that any of those prior examples are bad or ill conceived. However, think about it, what types of pressure comes along with wanting everybody else to change?

The answer: A lot of pressure of all types (depending upon the circumstance). Is that what you want to experience?

There is self-induced pressure that comes along with wanting others to change. This does not mean that you should stop caring or having concerns. However, past a certain point, why would you want that kind of pressure in your life? That sounds like anything but happy or satisfied.

When you are not feeling satisfied, and these pressures are mounting look at yourself. What is happening inside of your head and heart? Try to identify your deep needs and priorities. Ask yourself, “What is so important about [this] that I regularly think about it.” What is the other person not delivering? Or could it be that you have a greater underlying desire? Perhaps whatever is bothering you about someone (or something) else can lead you to understand what lies within yourself. For instance, Jo feels like they take care of everyone else’s needs and doesn’t receive the same consideration from others. Jo does recognize that people are there and helpful but feels like they do not respond at the same level. The harder Jo tries, the more separate and unhappy Jo feels. What is Jo really looking for? Although it could be several things, maybe Jo wants respect or love, so Jo gives and gives until other feelings, negative feelings, arise as Jo’s needs aren’t met.

We all do this. We have needs that we ignore or dismiss and turn our focus to other circumstances and people. In this, we deny our deeper desires. This denial is a powerful deflection to derail us from having to deal with ourselves. This deflection helps us to place the brunt of these negative feelings elsewhere. It doesn’t make us bad or inadequate, it just makes everyone unhappy and keeps us from moving forward. Basically, we remain where we are.

So, let’s change that. It’s time to become satisfied and happy. Truly happy.

First, know that you already have exactly what you need for this process – it is all ready within you. This is not mumbo-jumbo. Do not be so quick to poo-poo this. The proof of this statement is that you have an inner wanting – a desire. That is correct, isn’t it? You would not have that desire if you didn’t know about that area of interest. You cannot want a pair of shoes if you do not know what shoes are. You first need a frame of reference to want or need something.

In accordance with that thinking, what are your experiences telling you about your priorities? What do you think you really want? Begin here. Once you have identified this need, ask yourself what you can do (yes, YOU) to bring you closer to your desire. What are you doing to align yourself with meeting that need? No life isn’t perfect. There are no magic “get it now” formulas. But there is science that dictates that you are in control of you. Are you on a path that will bring you to feeling satisfied? If not, then you need to take a close honest look at what you really desire. You do not want to be alone? Then do not push others away. You want to be promoted? Then produce with integrity. (I am not saying it is this easy, but these are good quick illustrations.) What are you doing to make your life as you want it? Ask your self again, “Am I happy?”. If the answer is “yes”, then you are all set in the area you are thinking about. If the answer is “no” then reflect within about your responses and behavior. If your thinking and reactions are not in line with your success, you need to rethink, take a breath, reset, and move towards you well-earned satisfaction. Be you and be happy.

Succeed This Year!

183:830819963 (Allyson Maida) — Tue, 07 Jan 2020 00:55:10 GMT

Resolving to make it - for real

Here we are, the year 2020! One of the things that makes this so much cooler is that this same combination of numbers also refers to the acuity of eyesight. Twenty-twenty denotes the clarity of vision where both of your eyes see correctly and within a normal range. This year challenges us to ask: Do you have clearness in the way you see life and will conduct it in 2020?

This new year and that question naturally leads to the thought of New Year Resolutions, which are great as they require an overview of your prior year. If there are areas in your life that you want to improve, you make resolutions. You resolve that you will do that (whatever that is) better in the next year. However, for most people, those resolutions vanish like a vapor within the first three months. But to beat the clock, how can you improve the areas of your life that require attention?

Define. Create resolutions that are based upon understanding the word resolve. The word resolve means to find a solution; to make a firm determination to create a solid course of action. A resolution is the action of the same.

Be specific. What do you want to achieve? Remember, you have to find a solution.

Be strategic. What is you plan to get there? Remember, you have to be firm.

Be prepared. When you lose motivation, what is your Plan B? Remember, you have to be determined.

Find your reason. Deciding that changes are in order are based upon reasons that, although sound, are often not as important to us as we think. This is why resolutions fade so quickly. You may fight to keep them in place for a while, but that fight is gone when you mind decides that there are better things to pay attention to.

I do not have enough beads on my abacus to count the number of times I have worked with someone to help bring them to their goals after repeatedly unable to make the mark. One hundred percent of the time, their motivational points are not in line with their deepest beliefs, so they are derailed.

Let’s look at one of the most popular New Year Resolutions: Going to the gym and or managing weight. According to the International Health, Racquet and Sportsclub Association, (IHRSA), in 2018 there were 71.5 million American health club users (1 in 5 adults). The Statistic Brain Research Institute found that annually, there is a spike in gym memberships during the month of January. Where the general rate of monthly membership application is 8.3%, January sees an increase of 3.7% bringing enrollment to 12%. Eighty-two percent of enrolled members go to the gym less than 1 one time per week and 22% completely stop attending by six months into their membership. Why? Why? Why?

Initially, new year motivation runs high. Many people talk about being healthy from this point on, (especially following the holiday season eating and drinking extravaganza). Health facilities and nutritional programs amp up their advertising and your body is telling you that it is time to take a break from unhealthy habits and join the Now Generation – the healthy and fit generation. You can do this! The holiday cookies are gone, and everything is in line. Then your regular routines keep you busy and going to the gym becomes a much greater effort. Less people are amped up about journeys to better health and the advertising is all but gone. You get swept up in life as you had known it in the year before. Why? Ugh…

Think about it? What is at sake? You already have clothes that size, you know what it is like to be without regular (or any) gym attendance, etc., and oh my Lord, I just want a piece of bread. The bottom-line? You have already been here, and your mind understands the process. It is a brain thing. Your brain knows the deal and is comfortable with what is already understands. The trick is to find out what your mind really wants so you can firmly connect to resolving your concern. Although this applies to any subject matter, using our example, you need a reason that resonates to make you believe that going to the gym is actually a good (long-term) behavior. Figuring out the real motivator (the reason) is the way to find long-lasting results. I see this in my office all of the time, and yes, I regularly do this with myself.

So, happy new year! I hope this year is filled with experiences that bring you happiness, satisfaction and the growth that you want in your life.

Throwing Spaghetti (or Turkey) at the Wall.

183:830819963 (Allyson Maida) — Fri, 15 Nov 2019 01:23:16 GMT

Throwing Spaghetti (or Turkey) at the Wall.

Managing Challenges

Challenges, they really push us to the edge at times. They beckon us to consider thinking in new ways, often stretching our thinking beyond our general approach. Challenges also come in different forms, yet no matter how you look at it, a challenge is a dare. Some challenges prod adventurous behavior and others more reserved. Either way, most people find that they must approach and then re-approach as they utter, “Let’s see what sticks.” (You have said that, haven’t you? Do realize you are talking about spaghetti?)

The spaghetti concept suggests that thoroughly cooked spaghetti will stick to a vertical surface, as it is flexible and “done”. So, in the vein of “Try something to see if it works”, the spaghetti metaphor has stuck (yes, I said that) because the notion is reasonable.

Think about it: You are throwing spaghetti at the wall. You throw one piece at a time. You are controlling the process. However, throwing one piece of spaghetti at a time is limited. Yet, throwing a bunch of spaghetti all over the room is excessive. It seems that strategic spaghetti tossing might create better results. After all, you are looking for stick-to-itiveness. Imagine throwing less and more sticks.

How to meet challenges and stick to your goal: When we have an idea, we basically see a picture of what it will look like in our minds. Almost simultaneously, we develop thoughts on how it should go, what should happen and the results. From there you set yourself up to make it happen and then…

The plan goes awry. Something unexpected has occurred. You are not heading towards your goal. As you relive the situation you may ask yourself, “Why don’t things work out easily?” “Why didn’t that go as I planned?” When you first developed your idea, did you think about how much control you would actually have within your plan? Had you calculated your risks and outcomes? (I know that sounds a bit heady, but just follow me on this.) What are the chances of everything going very smoothly? What possibilities, good and bad, exist? Can any uncalculated situations occur? If any, do other people involved think differently? Although you all agree upon the goal, someone may have a different approach (than you) changing your preconceived course of action. Now, the situation is not as you envisioned. This may lead to rising frustrations based upon concerns that things may not turn out as planned. Things are starting to feel out of control. How do you redirect your plans to get back on course?

Realign your thoughts: Your outcome is heavily dependent upon how you handle circumstances, emotions and the feeling that you exude.

The holiday season was upon us. The turkey was in the refrigerator and everything was in place to create that festive meal. On that crisp and joyful holiday morn, the wrapper that held the turkey was carefully cut and whoaaaa…that was not good. It was a hermetically sealed rancid turkey. In less than five hours that festive dinner was supposed to adorn the table. We called every turkey vendor in town and other towns and towns beyond that. Nothing was open. There was not one purveyor of foul available.

We threw ideas out as fast as they came. We can make pasta or more vegetables or tuna fish or cereal. We had nothing that fit this festive fantasy. This was not a part of the picture in our heads. In hindsight, there were ways to deter this from happening. We could have opened the wrapping the day before, checked to ensure that it was fine, cleaned it, prepared it for the next day and would have saved some time (and upset) for the day of cooking. However, we were not functioning from hindsight. We were in the moment – which was not a good one.

We needed to identify our goal to know where we were going. Was the goal to have a good turkey? Yes and no. The goal was to make the pictures and emotions in our minds a reality; bring our family and friends together, set the table nicely, enjoy a satisfying and beautiful meal while make new memories together. More specifically, the greater goal was, and remains, to share love and to continue our bond. If the surprise of this unanticipated revoltingly stinky circumstance morphed into frustration, related emotions such as increased anxiety and anger could have affected the tenor of the day. The holiday vibe would have been stressed. Instead, to stick to the goal, it was best to focus on the issue, not allowing for the development of ill-fated emotions. A quick assessment of all that was happening: everything else is fine…we need a turkey. Stores, everywhere, are closed. This is a culinary crisis. Who do people call in a crisis? The police, the fire department, Child Protective Services, The Salvation Army? I called the Salvation Army. They extremely nice and ready to help. It was a miraculous holiday and the turkey was great!

What really happened was that our children experienced the kindness and joy of the holiday. Along with the rest of us, they experienced the reason for gracious givers and non-profit soldiers. Our family and friends sat together talking about this event, sharing other stories of giving and receiving. The goal was met; laughing, enjoying each other and building the bond of love that connects us one to another. This is a memory that we will never forget.

It’s all about what you decide should happen. How will you cook and throw your spaghetti? If you do nothing, nothing sticks. If you throw spaghetti frantically, you will experience chaos. If you strategically cook it to create flexibility and substance, your spaghetti will stick to the wall. (Go ahead, try it. See if it works – and don’t email me to repaint your starch strewn room.)

Spaghetti (and turkey) sticks if you choose to spin it the right way.

The Emotional Assignment of Stuff. (a.k.a. I can’t get rid of that because...)

183:830819963 (Allyson Maida) — Sun, 10 Nov 2019 01:27:52 GMT

The Emotional Assignment of Stuff. (a.k.a. I can’t get rid of that because...)

Where did that “stuff” come from?

George Carlin’s well-known skit A Place for my Stuff is thought provoking. "That's all you need in life, a little place for your stuff. That's all your house is - a place to keep your stuff. If you didn't have so much stuff, you wouldn't need a house. You could just walk around all the time. A house is just a pile of stuff with a cover on it. " This rant has become a mantra for those who know that they own more than they need or want. There are greater reasons for having these items and a roof to contain it.

First, think about where that item, or items, came from. Did you purchase it? Was it given to you? Was that the first spaghetti pot from your first apartment? Was that centar statue an item that you inherited during the clean-up of your beloved, departed great cousin’s house, (which ended up in her house after having been passed between other relatives who did not want it)? Is this really just stuff?

There are programs and professionals that help people organize, prioritize, purge, donate and dispose, but why, oh why, is it so very hard to do this ourselves? Why do we become frustrated when other people tell us we should let it all go? Of course, you can use that ashtray for a candy dish or paperclip holder. Really, what are these “helpful” people thinking?

Think about it: Do you own your things, or do they own you? Obviously, your 1950’s martini set can’t own you. Or does it? Is it possible that although our things do not literally own us, our minds perceive that they do? If our mind (our brain) assigns a specific value or meaning to an item, it can take on a personality of sorts. Kind of like what we do with our pets. We give them voices as we speak for them (why is it always in baby talk?). We assign humorous traits “Did you see that? My dog does impressions. She makes a Humphrey Bogart face!” Similarly, we assign a meaning to our stuff. We look at that set of wine glasses and remember the wonderful family meals. We look at that chair and recall the talk with our children as they sat there swinging their little legs back and forth. These items have meaning. They are relevant and most of all, they are a declaration of our history. Our brains preserve our history. Having history allows us to be a part of a bigger picture, feel relevant and have a foundation to build upon.

When our brain assigns value to something, it is like announcement that our mind has an investment in that item. (Investments establish ownership, so it looks like our stuff may own us after all.) This investment is based upon material items that speak to who we are, who we were and moments in our life (good, bad and otherwise). They are pieces within our self-portraits, a rendering of our landscape, evidence of this is who I have been. This is proof of my success. If I let it go, what proof is there that my life was as it was? I am relevant, so my stuff is relevant. You will not know me (as I see myself) if my stuff is gone.

It is likely that there are some things you will never use, never look at or know that you can move to another home through gifting or donation. There are other things that you use repeatedly but know that the time has come to part ways. Ask yourself, “Why do I have this?”. Chances are you will come up with answers like, “Well, I like it. I have had that solar lighter since my teens. Solar is in anyway.”.

Next ask yourself if that item is necessary to define you. Do you need this to let people know who you really are? You might think this is ridiculous, but is it true? Do you need this item to tell your story? We do a lot of things that, at first thought, make no sense. Does that set of children’s golf clubs remind you of when your 6-year-old son said he would grow up to become a successful business man who played golf? (Your son is thirty. Unless you play golf on your knees, there is no use for those golf clubs.) What if you reassign the meaning of these items to what they truly are? When you remove the given label from an item, you can see things for what they truly are. When you change the meaning you are free to keep the items that make you happiest without feeling guilt for rehousing others. This helps you to scale down and keep your preferred selection of belongings that trigger your memories.

You are exactly who you are – stuff or no stuff.

It takes a certain amount of bravery and self-confidence to say that you are exactly who you are – no matter what others see. From almost the beginning of time, we have used symbolic interactionism (displaying our stuff, even if only at home) to assign a definition to who we are so that others can see us as we desire. This is not only about others, but it is also about how we see ourselves. Again, our stuff reaffirms our self-reflections and how we choose to lead our lives. Therefore, the need to use belongings to define ourselves is not so ill-conceived.

Want to downsize, lighten the load, change your décor, or move items out to make room for new? With unabashed honesty, look at your belongings. Ask yourself, “Exactly what is the function of that item?” Think about your perception of who you are and how you want others to see you. Perhaps you need this item to help you become the person you want to be. This is not a call to get rid of all of your belongings. The flatware, sure, keep a few great pieces because you feel great serving people with them. That is who you are, the host with a beautiful table setting, great food, and happy guests. Yes, keep that hood ornament. It is a great reminder of your earlier years, friends and the creativity that your poured into restoring that yellow van.

Afraid to lose the connection to your memories? Take photos of items that you are willing to move on. All your brain needs is to see the item, in person or in a photo, your recall will be the same. Oh, and that centaur, I took that photo. I am keeping it. Be you, inside and out.

Manage Money Like A Woman

183:830819963 (Allyson Maida) — Sat, 09 Nov 2019 01:32:22 GMT

Manage Money Like A Woman

Manage Money Like A Woman

1920 marked major change for women as a race. The ratification of the 19th United States Constitutional Amendment established that women deserve all rights and responsibilities just as their male counterparts. It took over 100 years to get this into place and we are still working to establish ourselves as viable contenders in all aspects of life. As a group, we have made great gains, yet many miss the mark in the arena of financial management.

Women work so hard to be all things to all people. The quintessential multi-taskers, we invest our time and concern in the workplace, home and within our communities. We are students, mothers, family members, professionals, care-givers, meal makers, party throwers and life coordinators. For each task and goal accomplished, we strive for some semblance of order and reason. We have moved far from the days of the suffragette and being barefoot in the kitchen. We take care of business. As the old adage says, “You want something done? Ask a woman to do it.”

If this is true, then why do women often fall short in the area of money management? As unpopular as this concept is, there are gender roles that we inadvertently still rely upon. Women make up the majority of the workforce in education and health professions opposed to males who dominate positions in areas like computer science and engineering. Females have moved forward, closing in on the disparity that once separated the genders within the workplace. However, we predominately remain in situations that we are most comfortable in. These are places that require nurturance, compassion and giving; the very traits that are aligned with the female role. The outcome of which is often situations that cement females in emotionally driven responses. We are what we believe.

We all know that managing money is an emotionally charged activity. Money dictates circumstances such as what we can buy, where we can live, how we can travel, how we eat and how we can be schooled. Each of these issues requires attention and is tied to the pride we have about our lives and those we care for. As strong, maternal and insightful human beings, you would think that we could easily include the simple task of managing our financial resources to care for ourselves and families.

When speaking with women about the pitfalls and obstacles in understanding money and working successfully with it, they often report that it is easier to ignore the glaring issues attached to money – such as establishing a structure to pay bills, save money or invest wisely. Many women say that this is one area where they withdraw and revert, as if it triggers a vulnerability that cannot be reconciled. It is here that women falter unnecessarily. This approach, or lack thereof, results in a variety of mishaps that leave us ill-equipped to manage future situations in the way that we know is best. Therefore, the lack of money management is in direct conflict with our innate “call” to care for our lives and those around us.

If we can allow money management to be exactly what it is, which is business and not emotion, we will easily be able to approach our financial situations and create growth. If we allow each dollar to represent some form of insecurity and potential failure, then that will be our path. It is the difference between the person who makes a monthly deposit to cover insufficient funds versus the person who estimates their income and expenses and always makes sure that they have more coming in than going out. This is about simple math and a little planning. The more money there is, the more planning needs to occur. It is not unlike anything else a woman does. The more people who attend your Thanksgiving Dinner, the more planning and resource building you have to do.

We tend to make financial decisions uncomfortable and insurmountable. In fact, they are nothing of the sort. It is all a frame of mind. Just like being in control of your day at work or home, frame out what you want your money to look like. Chances are, you do not want it to be chaotic. Therefore, do not plan emotionally – plan it out like it is business - because that is what women do, we take care of business.

Bio: Allyson Maida, CEO of ACM Resources is lead consultant to non-profits, government and corporate organizations. An Executive and Leadership Coach, she uses industrial psychology to help increase efficiency and effectiveness. About to launch a series of workshops for women who are interested in increasing their financial intelligence and money management skills, Allyson maintains a private psychotherapy practice for those who are interested in results and changing unwanted behavior. You can reach Allyson Maida at Allyson@allysonmaida.com.

How to Talk with Your Child About Emergency Response Drills in School

183:830819963 (Allyson Maida) — Fri, 08 Nov 2019 01:36:31 GMT

How to Talk with Your Child About Emergency Response Drills in School

How to Talk with Your Child About Emergency Response Drills in School

Immediately after the last presidential election, and for four days after, I received telephone calls, had in-office sessions and was asked to speak at forums regarding concerns about our political state. Often, I was asked, “How am I going to explain this to my children?” While speaking with one group, I asked “How old is your daughter?” “Five’” she said with fear and deep-seated love. “Do you generally speak with her about politics?” “No. Never”

Recently, parenting has included the address of topics we believe are reserved for adults. Politics creating overt social conflict, predators in cyberspace and escalated school-based violence, such as school shootings. These are not in the parenting handbook. Actually, there is no universal parenting handbook.

I recall being in fifth grade in a new school, already feeling out of my element. The teacher led the class through safety strategies in the case of bombing. Although I knew it made no sense for a bomb to be dropped on our elementary school by a fighter plane, I trusted my teacher. We all understood that fitting our entire bodies under our metal framed desks would help us stay safe. I figured this would help us from getting hit by a falling ceiling and debris. I worried about the bigger kids who may not be able to hide underneath their desks. When directed, we all worked to get out and up, sat in our chairs, nothing else was said and the school day continued. I often think back to that day, as it was confusing and irrelevant to my perception of schools, teachers and principals and the physics (there was only a desk top over our heads). I still think if that experience when contacted to address school shootings, lock-downs and how to effectively discuss the issue.

The increase of school-based violence, especially shootings, has caused the topic to become a part of the school/community fabric. Fear-filled concerns about how to speak with our children about managing crisis, understanding how to function within a combative environment and remain safe during violent threats ruminate in the air. How do we speak with our children to keep them safe while they spend approximately 3060 hours of their lives within school? As portrayed in the initial story about parenting and politics, speaking to children is often, and inadvertently, based upon how we feel. Although we believe that we are completely focused upon the needs of our child, we forget that our emotional concerns tend to loom over the discussion. We are seeing and thinking through our lens and can mistakenly blow pass the developmental position that our child is in. This is grown up stuff and we may include content as if they are little adults. They are listening and saying that they understand but their beautiful little brains do not think like a fully developed adult brain. They may be able to repeat what you have explained, but they may have not processed the information in a way that you would think as the material is unrelatable.

Ironically, I received a call yesterday from a parent whose 11-year old daughter was terrified to begin her first day of middle school. She spoke through shaky words, small gasps and tears. “I am afraid. Someone can come in shooting.” She told me that she has heard about school shootings too often. I told her that I was so glad she was brave enough to talk about this and that her feelings made sense, giving her recognition and some control. To make the discussion less scary and relatable, I asked her if she had ever eaten bad food. “Yes, I even had food poisoning.” I asked if she was going to stop eating because she has one bad meal. “No, of course not.” During our talk, I asked her to describe what the first day of school has always been like. She spoke confidentially about seeing friends and having new teachers. She said that she doesn’t want to be bombarded with information about school shootings. This information is too scary. She doesn’t watch scary movies because she doesn’t like to be scared. She wants to be with her friends and do the things that you do in school. She went to school today. It was a great day. She went with a smile, looking forward to seeing her friends and starting middle school. Why? Because we had a relatable discussion. She understands that school shootings are real, there will be drills and hopefully, that will be it. If not, she will listen to the emergency response direction and follow them if necessary.

Don’t Avoid the topic:

Avoiding the discussion only increases anxiety. You will spend time worrying about what to say and how to say it. Meanwhile, your child will experience school-based discussions, drills and if necessary, actual lockdown procedures and emergency response plans. Take the time to talk to your child, no matter their age. They look to you for control and safety. Whether in a sticky social circumstance or in the moment of crisis, their fear will be partially quelled by your insight, sound words, love and confidence in them.

You know how your child learns best and what their personalities are like. You also know how to explain procedures to them. (You potty trained them and taught them how to eat with a fork.) Keep the instructions and discussion simple, but not so simple that you gloss over important details that they can understand. Also, do not speak to them with “lingo”, acronyms or codes that they may not understand. If you say “lockdown” they may think they will be locked up somewhere making them vulnerable and alone. You can also ask the school about the drills to help you explain the process they will experience. Albeit factual, you are telling a story. No matter our age, we can follow and remember a story. Remember, they interpret the story according to how they perceive things developmentally and experientially.

Developmentally Speaking…

Kindergarten – 3rd grade: (Ages 5 – 8) I do well telling and hearing stories that are relatable and relevant to what I have experienced. I am learning about who I am, how I relate to others and fit in. My mind is filled with imagination, I understand symbolism and grasp that there is a past and a future. I need regular assurance, acceptance and do well with your positive direction.

4th grade – 5th grade: (Ages 9 – 10) I am more aware of social dynamics and complications. I understand external events and am no longer solely focused on my needs. I understand that other people have feelings and that opinions differ. This is also where boys and girls pair off to their peer groups, and unlike years prior, the boys continue to actively play on the playground while girls tend to gather in friend groups and chat. I need to be validated and gently directed to help me see how and where I belong.

6th grade - 8th grade: (Ages 11 – 13) I am grown up and I am not grown up. I am using logic to solve problems. I am going through puberty; my hormones are all over the place and I can be more sensitive than may seem reasonable. My self-sufficiency is growing, and I understand that life is changing. I want to be accepted and am beginning to establish my greater sense.

9th - 12th grade: (Ages 14 – 18) I regularly increase my use and understanding of logic and problem solving. I understand how to manage uncomfortable situations and as I move through adolescence, balance black and white thinking with abstract thoughts. This helps me to consider new thoughts and solve problems. As my logic grows, I challenge the ideals of others and often get caught in the emotions of group thinking. I am working on my independence but still deeply rely upon the guidance of trusted adults, role models and parents.

College years: I am moving into adulthood. My concerns turn to increasing my education, life experience, understanding of how the world works and my place within it. I am challenged by new hormonal shifts, seeing how I fit into a bigger world and the strain that accompanies achievement. At the same time, I struggle with becoming independent and releasing the simplicity of childhood. I am confident but find myself afraid as I do not know everything. I may seem very mature but do not forget, I look to you to simplify complex problems and believe that your insight makes my life stable.

Ultimately….

Stories with details need to be age appropriate. For instance, reading Moby Dick as a bedtime story to a 5-year-old will probably not work so well. They cannot relate to the language and although they can understand the greater concept, they would need a lot of explanation to make the story make sense. Keep it age appropriate. In your discussion, you can add material like this:

Your school is filled with so many great people. We never really think about this, but your teachers, principle, etc. work so hard all year to educate you and help you become the best person you can be. Remember when (add an example to recall a relevant memory that is a pleasure to discuss). They chose to make this their career because they care and want to be there to teach you school lessons that include how to keep yourself safe in life, like if there is a problem in school, like a fire or if someone does something to hurt other people. Be sure to ask open-ended questions such as, “So, what do you think about…?” to be sure that you can hear their thoughts and provide them with confident and considerate answers. These discussions may be very short – don’t push it. You will know when your child has gotten the point and talked about this enough. You will see it in their eyes and body language. You know your child best. You can also revisit it again later.

Allyson Maida, LCSW is a psychotherapist, entrepreneur, author and speaker located in Westport, Connecticut. Additionally, she is an Adjunct Professor at St. John’s University in New York where she teaches criminal justice courses. Thirty years of experience helps her to write innovative, educational and thought-provoking articles to overcome life’s challenges. She can be contacted at Allyson@AllysonMaida.com

Lead Poisoning is More Wide Spread than You May Think

183:830819963 (Allyson Maida) — Tue, 15 Oct 2019 00:45:46 GMT

Lead Poisoning is More Wide Spread than You May Think

Lead Poisoning is More Wide Spread than You May Think

My child has never eaten or sucked on a paint chip. We live in a beautiful home, so lead poisoning is impossible. These are common statements made by parents when talking about the potential for childhood lead poisoning. Unfortunately, prevention is not secured by these points alone and there are ample means for lead poisoning to occur. The easiest way to prevent this is to understand lead and it’s use it in its simplest form.

Lead is a heavy metal that is, among other things, used to change pigment. Lead-based paint is opaque and covers more area than most other paints. It is also used to speed up drying time, increase durability and decrease corrosion through moisture resistance. Lead also helps to keeps that freshly painted item looking “freshly painted”.

Above all, lead-based paint is toxic. In 1977 it was banned within the United States.

There is a general belief that lead-based paint is only found in homes built before 1978. This is not necessarily true. If your walls and paint are in good shape it usually does not pose an immediate problem. However, deteriorating paint or cracked walls where pain flakes are evident present potential for lead poisoning. For instance, let’s say you have purchased an older home and need to repair a crack near the corner of the wall. You sand down a few layers of paint, spackle, prime, repaint and perfect! It’s beautiful! You may have also just sanded some lead-based paint into a fine dust which is now airborne and easily breathed in. Lead can also be found in carpets, on fabrics, toys and in other places where fine dust can settle. Although there has been great progress in the development of lead-free products, (like unleaded gasoline), lead is still found in places such as water pipes, pottery, solder and soil. Therefore, homes that have regulated municipal water are at less risk in comparison to those with wells or older pipes that draw water into the house. The durability of lead-based paint, is the reason for it continued use by the military and in some paints that are used to paint those lines that keep our cars on the proper side of the road.

As the chance of a child getting lead poisoning due to the yellow line on Main Street in negligible, the question is why and how are children at such great risk of lead poisoning? According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, 1.2 million children in the United States have blood lead levels above safe limits. Although lead posing can occur from drinking contaminated water funneled through lead pipes, the primary cause of this condition is contact with lead-based paint, much of which occurs through airborne transmission.

Think about it:

Children and teens have a tendency to put things in their mouths. Lead exposure can also occur on a playground as lead can be found in soil given certain circumstances such as local renovations and community rehabilitation projects.

Check items purchased from minimally regulated countries . Beyond fine dust from lead-based paint becoming lodged in porous material (like carpets, dust settled upon furniture, toys and musical instruments), there are ample toys and candies, (yes candies) that are decorated with lead pigments currently selling on the open market. According to the United States Consumer Product Safety Commission, in 2007 alone, Mattel, (the manufacturer of Fisher Price toys), recalled 967,000 plastic preschool toys, many of which were based upon popular children’s television characters. In the same year, KB Toys recalled almost 10,000 wooden toys such as blocks. Most recently, the toys that are recalled are primarily manufactured in China. Many children continue to play with these same toys. Recalls for newer toys also continue.

You can keep abreast of recalls by reviewing the USCPSC website at http://www.cpsc.gov .

How dangerous is lead poisoning and what are the symptoms? Lead is not safe when ingested. Minimal amounts of lead in the blood stream cannot be easily detected; however, it can result in reoccurring nausea, delayed physical development, learning disabilities, behavior problems, reduced attention span and lowered intelligence. Unfortunately, when blood lead levels are very low they do not meet the clinical standards for lead poisoning and can go undetected. The greater the levels, the more intense the damage. Severe lead poisoning can cause kidney, nerve and brain damage. Pregnant woman can experience abnormal fetal development. All because of something that you cannot see, smell, hear or often taste.

How can I find out if my child has ingested lead? The Center for Disease Control (CDC) and the American Academy of Pediatric continuously urge health care providers to test for lead levels. As your doctors about testing as a means of detection and prevention. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children are tested for lead levels at ages 1 and 2, however, children and adults can be tested at any age. These tests are conducted in the doctor's office and evaluated in a qualified lab. If your child does have lead in their system, there are medical treatments available, which include medications and supportive therapies. Removing lead-based item(s) from your environment are also critical. To figure out if there is lead in your home or play area, you can contact local a Certified Risk Assessor (Inspector) through either of these Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) sources : https://cfpub.epa.gov//flpp /pub/index.cfm?do=main.firmSearcg/Abatement or call the National Lead Information Center (NLIC) (800) 424-LEAD (5323).

The great news is that lead abatement programs, laws and educational activities are in place, regularly re-evaluated and have significantly helped to reduce lead poisoning. However, cases continue to be identified as we unsuspectingly live within our homes and send our children to different places that may have lead in the environment. There are ample ways to avoid lead poisoning. Measures to have your home and property tested are available in a variety of forms. There are “home tests” that you can conduct yourself or contact a professional to do the work for you. Additionally, toys that are made in countries that do not have stringent regulations will always pose additional risk, so buyer beware. However, there are many wonderful manufacturers that do abide by government regulations regarding lead-based paint and other safety concerns. Remaining informed helps to live healthily and play safely.

Two more sites/articles that are very user-friendly:

The Nation Institute of Environmental Health Sciences http://kids.niehs.nih.gov/lead.html .

U.S. E.P.A. https://www.epa.gov/lead

What are You Saying? Speaking with a Generation Different From Your Own

183:830819963 (Allyson Maida) — Thu, 19 Sep 2019 00:01:11 GMT

What are You Saying? Speaking with a Generation Different From Your Own

The ongoing hullabaloo about millennials, what they do, how they think and how they live continues on. Put on your seat belt Gen Xers, Baby Boomers, Silent Generationals and GI Generation members. New grown-up generations are afoot. For at least the last 17 years, the pivotal generation known as Millennials, whose members range in age from 25-42, are beginning and completing their education, entering and changing the workforce, buying and renting property, and adulting like no one’s business.

Millennifacts: Unlike the generations before them, the millennial population is the largest American generation to date. They are also the first to experience unique trends that set them apart from those prior. For instance, Millennials are the most highly educated population and the most likely to postpone marriage, if they marry at all. Alternatively, increasing numbers of these folks choose to live together. The age of child-bearing is becoming older as it’s delayed by the pursuit of life interests such as career. Accordingly, the birthrate has decreased. Furthermore, those born after 1990’s advent of the internet and use of the home computer, are also known as digital natives, opposed to those born previously who are called digital immigrants. Therefore, they are the first generation to be innately digitally adept. (Opposed to those who are still trying to figure out how to use a VCR - whatever that is.)

Overall and from the beginning of time, generational differences have defined each group’s identity and been the cause of frustration. Currently, these differences are cited as points of friction in discussions about accrued life experience. ‘Accrued’ as in, “This is my experience and this is what I know.”. This issue often divides today’s youth and young adults from the once up-and-coming in days of yore.

Today, I had another discussion, (yes, another discussion) with a young woman who found herself stuck in a conversation with an elder relative (age 60 – well, elderly to the 28 year-old), who said, “You are too young to know about this but years ago there was a movie called “The Graduate.” This 28-year-old (who we will call Ann) was brought up in a digital world that has converted more old movies, cartoons, written works, and musical performances than Turner Broadcasting has colorized black and white films. Having seen it twice, Ann was pleased to say that she enjoyed the movie. However, her words were repeatedly thwarted by the relative’s uninterruptible discussion. At least that is the way it seemed to Ann.

The assumption directing this part of the conversation may have been “It is not possible for a 28-year-old to know these things. She wasn’t alive or if her parents saw the film, (and it was a film not a digitized cinema package) she was too young to remember their review.” No matter what or how Ann tried to convey her ability to relate to the discussion, the 60-year-old (who we will call Joan) spoke as if she was providing insight that a 28-year-old would not have and trying to insure that cinematic icons remain relevant. After all, it is the charge of the elders to pass their experience and wisdom on to those who are next at bat.

Opposed to the youth of generations prior, who while annoyed rolled their eyes in rebellion against the proverbial passing of the baton, this generation tends to find such offerings arrogant and dismissive. In addition to being the most well-educated, etc., this generation has a different view of elder wisdom. Although they are interested in learning and do want the information, they do not appreciate being told how much they don’t know, “as if I am stupid”, because often, they do. They do know. However, the older set is acting rationally and in accordance with the dictates of experience. After all, we did not know, when our parents were younger, they did not know and when our grandparents were young, they did not know, and so on. Experience clearly states that information and enlightenment is passed on through sharing, it is a well-intentioned offering.

Further guiding these responses, Pre-M Gens (any pre-millennials such as Baby Boomers and GEN Xers) who parented were directed by doctors and trending influencers (who, “back in the day”, were actually called parenting experts) to act authoritatively. In time, parenting directives shifted, promoting the benefits of reasoning with children, sensitizing them to social issues and passing on information that was once reserved for later-in-life discussions. This newer approach launched innovations such as foreign language instruction in preschools, affirmations that verbal reasoning is superior to physical reactions (like don’t slap the bully who just punched you), and technology now central to education and entertainment (thank you Winnie the Pooh for teaching three-year-olds geometry).

Think about it: In addition, Baby Boomers invented and introduced the personal computer and the internet. They were later joined by Gen Xers in further developing technologically based interactive toys, and sophisticated recreational/household items. Pre-M Gens shared their favorite music, movies, cultural stories, digitized family photos, and introduced Millennials to learning via personal technology - almost everything anchored to some type of lesson. Much to most everyone’s delight, Millennials like their music and ours, their movies and ours, and use combinations of all they know (or learn via YouTube) to bring vibrancy that which they are interested in. Telling our stories while sharing still Kodak photographs is not bad, and on the upside and for whatever it is worth, these photos do not just suddenly become deleted – ever (unless we forget where we put them). However, new generations usher in new innovations, and to a degree characteristically, they are different than those who arrived before. They may not know everything, but these young adults do know a lot. They know who the Beatles are and they may be able to recite lines from the Godfather. They can even laugh at some of our inside jokes. Inadvertently, we are not imparting wisdom, we are dismissing what they know.

For the past few years, when hearing people say, “Young man, when I was your age...” an awkwardness has hung in the air. It is beyond the typical annoyance of having some old guy speak about the days of his youth. There is a deeper rift and now you and I know why.

This explains a lot of the friction associated with well-meaning contributions and, at times, the hope to help circumvent life’s frustrations for the next person. Those of us who have more dirt under our feet and wind in our hair really do have information to share. Yes, these words of wisdom will be met with both curiosity and resistance. That is the right of passage for all generations; imparting and receiving information that may or may not be helpful. So, my dear I-know-what-a-dial-tone-is friends, the culture has truly changed, much of which is due to the communication and technology we have created and supported. Fear not, we are not being left behind. More so, we have gotten exactly what we had hoped for; progress - and progress is rarely easy.

This is not a call to shut our mouths. It is a call to re-calibrate and do better. Pre-M Gens are in a position to support those who are up next by becoming more transformative and trans-generational (working across the generations). This approach is respectful of what someone may know, opposed to the close-ended transaction of providing the service of informing with a measure of accidental disregard. We should to be open to realizing that these “kids” (who are no longer kids) might know more than we think and they appreciate an informed passing of the torch. More so, we brought them here – this is a result of our efforts.

I would be remiss if I neglected to say: Gen Z (ages 7-24) is hot on the trail of this discussion. They are more sophisticated in the use of educational methods, are beginning and completing their education, are members of playground and workforce cultures, and are positioning to become successfully functioning adults. Pre-M Gens and Millennials (yes, Millennials – you too), remember, these kids know more than you think they do, they need you and the beat goes on.

Who are You Exactly? The Strengths of Being All That You Are

183:830819963 (Allyson Maida) — Sat, 10 Aug 2019 00:09:21 GMT

Who are You Exactly? The Strengths of Being All That You Are

Who do you want to be when you grow up? What is it, you know, that one thing you want to do? (Hear breaks screeching) What? One thing? Define myself by just - one - thing? If you or someone you care for has been here, don’t panic. Not everyone is born to do or be one thing, nor does everyone hail from one place with one interest and one background.

Speaking of background and foregoing a history lesson, it seems that our world is experiencing its payoff. We are progressing, meaning that for the entirety of its existence, human-kind has worked to expand its framework. Our global efforts to increase insight, tolerance, productivity, and technology in pursuit of betterment is always in motion. Certainly, this does not include those who have not worked for social or industrial inclusion, kindness or justice.

This progress includes a shift of language. For instance, the definition of the word intersectionality is changing. Initially the term addressed the integration of a person or group’s demographic background (such as race and religion). Later, feminism expanded the definition to include social and political gender discrimination (i.e.: poor women are less likely to run for political office due to campaign costs). Forever the indicator of social change, linguistic shifts are on the move again. Now the definition includes the intermingling of everything a person is made up of. Intersectionality provides each of us with context. For example, when Jiwandeep Kohli’s rainbow turban photo went viral on social media during 2019’s Pride Month, his interview included recognition of his intersectionality, “I’m proud to be a bisexual bearded baking brain scientist.” - all of which he is.

This new sense of intersectionality suggests that we are dynamic, can follow a variety of interests and be all that we are. Why are our self-descriptions minimized, downplaying portions of who we are? Why does a person’s primary interest have to be singular? Why can’t a common thread be addressed from different angles? AND why is it that when you do not have a singular approach people immediately assume you are scattered or flakey? So much for the social acceptance of intersectionality.

When I was in 5th grade I found my role model for life; George Plimpton. At the time, I was introduced to his celebrity as a football player, except he was not a football player. He was an investigative journalist (amongst other things) who decided that the best form of research was to learn from the inside and apply that information to what we see on the outside. What was it like to be on the field surrounded by hundreds of screaming fans while simultaneously trying to act upon coaching and decipher the movements of other players?

Grasping that George Plimpton was a journalist and not a football player blew my 10-year-old mind. What else had he done and…then it hit me. This means people can make choices and do all kinds of things! In that one mind-bending moment, I found myself at an intersection. I realized that curiosity is an asset, an adventurous nature is acceptable, intellect can be built upon and new approaches to old situations are fine. In time, I also learned that this is not the road well-travelled, it is not popular, it is strewn with naysayers, the path is rocky and there is a greater social need dictating that the world does not have much room for doing things differently. (Do the words disrupter and outlier ring a bell? I am sure that these words have been coined for the reasons just discussed. It is okay to do things differently.)

People are as different as their individual characteristics and thoughts. There are some people who feel most comfortable learning about different things (whether or not they eventually move toward one specific discipline). There are others who do a myriad of things, some of which they merge along the way, as they find their path to one area of interest. Then there are people who prefer to find a focus and stick with it. None of these things are wrong or better than the next. Each method meets the needs of the person.

Life is complex enough without the pressure of judgments cast upon those who are trying to figure out their next steps. This does not dismiss the notion that people need a focal point. Being spread too thin is never good. There is strength in having a concentrated area of interest. However, it is not a sign of instability when someone realizes that ideas create new ideas, which can become doorways to new topics and opportunities. These expansions fuel exploration and passion.

As a society, we tend to promote opportunities that cause personal and/or professional growth. Yet, when beginning to expand their playing field, people are often told why things will not work and how moving outside of the initial plan is a misdirected use of efforts and resources. Why are we afraid of growth that expands intersectionality? Whether it is intercultural marriage, a change of career or moving to a country where we do not know anyone, there is the prospect for that which we say we support – growth and progress. This advancement requires nurturance and wisdom, not the projection of the basic fears attached to our lack of comfort. Also, think about it, it seems odd that we support our children’s imagination and exploration and then require it to have restrictive boundaries. I do not think George Plimpton would have been as significant to journalism or our world if he was restricted. Imagine restricting Anthony Bourdain, Ellen Degenres, Steve Jobs, Salvadore Dali, Elon Musk, Mozart…you get the point.

We are dynamic, interested, observing and listening and we are created to grow. Nurtured with balance and steady supports (from within ourselves and outside) we are made to be strong. We can know and do more than one thing. You can make the choice to be a trailblazer or have one concentrated area of interest, either of which can be a stabilizing force. Your strength is found in all that makes you who you are. There is as much strength in your intersectionality as there is in a cord of many strands. As the old verse says, a cord of three strands cannot be broken.

Valentine’s Day, Singles Appreciation Day, and We May Have Gotten This Wrong Day

websitebuilder@1and1.de — Fri, 01 Feb 2019 01:12:26 GMT

Valentine’s Day, Singles Appreciation Day, and We May Have Gotten This Wrong Day

History Changes the Celebration: Valentine's Day Commemorates Good Will

Marked by red, chocolate, wine and heart-shaped pizzas with pepperoni that spells out “I love you”, February is the month of love. It is also the month that conjures up thoughts of how much someone is loved, who they love, and where they fit in the Valentine’s Day Love Landscape. The results of which can range from utter joy to hopelessness. Just yesterday a married man who I know said with absolute disgust, “I hate Valentine’s Day.” and then he said it again - twice more.

Although third-century archives do not include enough verifying details to the origin of “the” Saint Valentine, researchers know that there were many Valentines, possibly up to twenty-four. Of those, at least one, if not two or three Catholic Valentines (a.k.a. Valentinus) were executed by Roman nobility on the date of February 14th. There are various Valentine and February stories.

According to historians, one Valentine spoke of converting Pagans to Christians. An aristocrat named Asterius agreed to convert if Valentine could heal his blind foster child. Father Valentine prayed for her and her blindness was healed. The entire family converted. When Emperor Gothicus heard this story, he had them all executed. Valentine was the only one beheaded. Another Valentine defied Emperor Claudius II’s order that no young man could marry. The Emperor believed that emotionally unattached soldiers were better than those married or betrothed. Valentine was executed for violating this decree. Or he may have been executed for helping Christians to escape treacherous Roman prisons. One legend says that he sent a love note to the jailer’s daughter who visited him, signing it “From your Valentine”. Sounds like a reach to create roots for our $19.6 billion Valentine’s Day market (National Retail Federation, 2018). Beyond the Valentines, on the ides of February, there was the Pagan celebration of Lupercalia, which celebrated fertility to honour Faunus, the Roman God of agriculture and Roman founders Romulus and Remus. Then there was author Geoffrey Chaucer who wrote “The Canterbury Tales”, between 1387 and 1400, where he assigned the Feast of St. Valentinus to the mating of birds. Love is in the air; bird love.

Valentine’s Day commemorates the approximate A.D. 270 death or burial of Saint Valentine. Each of the martyred Valentines dedicated their lives to what they believed and faced adversity because of what they believed was right. They were concerned with the long-term well-being of others. These were people who felt accountable, had strength of character, were sympathetic and heroic. They are role models that embody dedication, consideration and compassion.

It appears that we have missed the boat in the development of this holiday. This is not solely about love between two people, or 20 children in a classroom armed with 20 pre-cut cards. This is not about religion. It’s about honouring those who decided that they could make a difference. Valentine’s Day is a day to recall, celebrate and possibly follow the lead of considerate people.

No matter when something good occurs, big or small, recognition feels good. A card, a text, a celebratory meal or a box of chocolates makes a heart feel good, especially when you say, “Happy Valentine’s Day”.

The Timing of Effective Resolutions (or Beyond the Wall)

183:830819963 (Allyson Maida) — Fri, 18 Jan 2019 01:16:20 GMT

The Timing of Effective Resolutions (or Beyond the Wall)

Resolve that every day is a new day and…

Every minute is a new minute. More so, every second is a new second. Keep that in mind as you continue to read.

Welcome to the end of January. It is dive time for resolutions and many personal promises. This is the time of year where people often say, “I made New Year’s resolutions and I…well, that didn’t work.” The air becomes filled with disappointment, recognition of mired expectations, self-defeating sarcastic comments and jokes that seek to fill the “I didn’t make it to my goal” void. Fear not, we have an entire year to blow it. Better yet, we also have time to define and achieve our goals.

Goals: To say, “You can do anything” may seem somewhat lofty. However, except for certain restrictions, (like a 5-year-old cannot be a fireman at the age of 5), it is not untrue. What is true is that we place restrictions upon ourselves that keep us from the place that we desire to go. We literally place things, as in: we deliberately put something in place (such as I put the toaster on the counter and not in the sink – that is deliberate). In the case of making and working toward resolutions (goals), we put something(s) in the way of where we want to go. In our efforts to forge a life that is satisfying, we create boundaries that act as a wall.

This wall runs between where we are and that which is in front of us. These walls are thick and solid, as if they are made of stone, (like you might see along a country road that divides one person’s property from another). These walls define what is ours. They define ownership and rights. Outside and within this metaphor, this is your life, and you have the right to travel that road and whatever is beyond it. However, you better think twice before you move to the other side of that wall. This separation has been made for a reason.

At times, we create these emotional walls because the “property” on the other side involves others and we do not want to trespass upon their circumstances. For instance, you want to become an actor (and do nothing else). However, you need a regular income to take care of your responsibilities. If you decided to forgo the “wall” and pursue that passion, you may do well but risk minimizing your income. So, you might decide to wait until your resources or responsibilities shift to take your place in the thespian realm.

It may also be that you own that “property” and want to keep it separate in case you want it later. Perhaps you want to write a book but do not have the time to write enough and develop this new skill. So, you wait until you have more time and opportunity. You do not stretch yourself and you do not neglect the things that need your focus.

Beyond such circumstances, the property is yours and you have placed that wall there. Resolve that you have the personal power to take it down – because you do. Think about it: You have created these boundaries and recognize that they are in place. They guide the way you travel through life. They keep you in line. What if you removed the wall? What if you removed every stone? As you drive along where that wall was, would you now pull over to check out the landscape? If you are walking, would you walk off the road and onto the grass or take your shoes off and step into the water? Chances are the answer is “yes”.

Being able to move past these boundaries tells you that when you move the stones out of your way new experiences are accessible to you. Yes, to you. There is nothing in your way. You are no longer fixated on not crashing in to the wall and staying on “your side”. Now you can consider and move toward new things, such as what is it like to walk through the field and into that beautiful water.

Resolutions? You can make them every day, every minute, every second. You ate that candy bar? Okay, it is a new second. Don’t eat another one. You texted and drove? It’s a new second. Put your phone down and leave it alone until you are stopped and parked. Yes, it is easier said than done - but persistence works. It’s a brain thing. Your brain will eventually comply with your wishes. Every chance you have, repeat the behavior that will take you to your goal. You want to quit smoking? Stop smoking (which means no vaping). If you “fall” just stand back up. After all, that is how your learned to walk or roll. Every day, every minute, every second is yours to do what you want.

Addressing the Challenges of Tension and Anxiety

Trending Upward to Achieve

Trending Upward to Achieve: How to Make Your Personal Promises Stick

You 2.0

You 2.0 – How to Live Your Best Life – and Continue to do so

Listen to Understand, Not Just React. It Makes a Difference.

Listen to Understand, Not Just React. It makes a Difference.

It's Time. Bring Your Life to the Place you Desire

It’s Time. It's Your Life. Get to Where You Want to Go

The Best Way to Manage Change

How to Feel Better When Things Change

How to Fall, Feel and Return to Love

How to Fall, Feel and Reignite Love

New Year's Resolutions. Keep Your Promises – They are made by you for you

New Year Resolutions. Keep Your Promises – They are made by you for you

The Seasons of Your Life Bring Growth

The Seasons of Your Life Bring Growth

Want to Feel Good? What do you Expect?

Want to Feel Good? What do you Expect?

Managing Tension and Anxiety

Addressing the Challenges of Tension and Anxiety

The Art of Yelling, Screaming and Crying

The Art of Yelling, Screaming and Crying

I am Tolerant But...

I Am Tolerant, But....

What??? Are They Ignoring You or… Hearing and listening are different – and really important

What??? Are They Ignoring You or… Hearing and listening are different – and really important

What is your Baseline? Change your music, change your life.

What is Your Baseline? Change your tune, change your life.

Re-defining Middle Age. Welcome to your new year

Redefining Middle Age. Welcome to your new year. Being seen for who you really are.

Tired of Being Tired? How to Mange Living Through Change. Introducing the Reactive Reset Response Phenomenon

Tired of Being Tired? Living through Changes and What to Do Introducing the Reactive Reset Response Phenomenon

Listening Face Down. Texting is great until you want to connect.

Listening Face Down. Texting is great until you want to connect.

A Seat at the Bar

A Seat at the Bar: Incidents of age and cruising through the day on your own

Things Are Not Like They Used To Be. I Love You Man

Things Are Not Like They Used to Be. I Love You Man. Re-entering life as COVID19’s social effects are quelled

Spring Has Sprung. Have you?

How to enjoy this spring and summer

Absolutely! You Can Create and Fulfill New (Year) Plans

#YourResolutionsCount Create and Fulfill New (Year) Plans!

Thanksgiving 2020

How to make Thanksgiving 2020 one that everyone will remember...in a good way.

Frustrated and Overwhelmed? It's Time for a Change.

Control this season of your life

Creatively Redefining the Way We Do Business

Creatively Redefining the Way Business is Done

For Your Well-being: Lessons from the Phases of COVID-19

Game On! Following the Long-time Example ofSucceeding in Social Distancing

How to effectively and compassionately talk with your child about crisis such as the corona virus

Anti-Viral Strategies. Decrease Anxiety. Build Strength. Together.

#GetAheadSlowtheSpread

Be Happy

Identify the feelings that you are have and the emotions you prefer to feel.

Succeed This Year!

Resolving to make it - for real

Throwing Spaghetti (or Turkey) at the Wall.

Throwing Spaghetti (or Turkey) at the Wall.

The Emotional Assignment of Stuff. (a.k.a. I can’t get rid of that because...)

The Emotional Assignment of Stuff. (a.k.a. I can’t get rid of that because...)

Manage Money Like A Woman

Manage Money Like A Woman

How to Talk with Your Child About Emergency Response Drills in School

How to Talk with Your Child About Emergency Response Drills in School

Lead Poisoning is More Wide Spread than You May Think

Lead Poisoning is More Wide Spread than You May Think

What are You Saying? Speaking with a Generation Different From Your Own

What are You Saying? Speaking with a Generation Different From Your Own

Who are You Exactly? The Strengths of Being All That You Are

Who are You Exactly? The Strengths of Being All That You Are

Valentine’s Day, Singles Appreciation Day, and We May Have Gotten This Wrong Day

Valentine’s Day, Singles Appreciation Day, and We May Have Gotten This Wrong Day

The Timing of Effective Resolutions (or Beyond the Wall)

The Timing of Effective Resolutions (or Beyond the Wall)

What??? Are They Ignoring You or…
Hearing and listening are different – and really important

Redefining Middle Age. Welcome to your new year.
Being seen for who you really are.

Tired of Being Tired? Living through Changes and What to Do
Introducing the Reactive Reset Response Phenomenon

A Seat at the Bar:
Incidents of age and cruising through the day on your own

Things Are Not Like They Used to Be. I Love You Man.
Re-entering life as COVID19’s social effects are quelled

#YourResolutionsCount
Create and Fulfill New (Year) Plans!